March 2, 2005

I had been working here and there on the last post since the weekend.  The plan was to publish it sooner, then I finished it last night to fill in the gap between entires and I wanted to write...something...something light and easy.  And that's because I didn't have it in me to describe what was really going on, in what we learned two nights ago and all that has occurred since.  So the previous post served as a 'decoy', allowing me to deal with what I can only describe as the worst fucking nightmare.   I apologize for being crude and inelegant, but I am beyond the use of reasonable and genteel adjectives as this is the worst, most horrible, and the most fucked situation my kid has ever known.

Two years ago Molly played on a competitive soccer team composed of the usual lithe 11-12 year old girls.  The league's turf was in a rather tony area of Silicon Valley so these girls were well heeled and attractive in the rich kid way.  However, there was one outlier, one striking exception - a big burly girl who wore spiked leather collars and pink hair and when she wasn't in cleats she donned black lace-up Doc Martens.  She had an impenetrable outer layer, smiled infrequently, glared a lot and was the most badass, skilled player on the team with uncanny speed and agility.  Her teammates feared but respected her.  The coach, a grinning angel of a man, had access to her inner layers, knew her heart, and cared for her as if she was his own tough but loveable daughter.

As you might suspect, I was not the typical soccer mom, most especially within this sideline society of high powered Silicon Valley parents.  They were pod people, smug in their chilly and distant clique.  My encounters with them were brief and sometimes disturbing.  I grew up on the Pacific Rim, and my ethnicity was rarely an issue, but one of these parents asked if I was the caregiver/babysitter to one of the girls on the team.  She was visibly surprised when I responded in perfectly enunciated English.  Given this mindset, it is not surprising that these people had limited and begrudging admiration for the big goth girl's prowess on the field but unlimited judgmental glances and comments on her demeanor.   

Molly played one season with the team and moved on to other activities and her present school district.  She stayed in touch with some of her teammates and would hear about the big goth girl who went on to high school.  This particular school, well known for overachievers and sport championships, is not a welcoming environment for the 'different' kid. High school culture is, on the whole, cruel on the goths, the punks, the unusual students.  The big goth speedy girl was certainly one of those kids and reports on how she was regarded and treated at the high school were not positive.

We don't know if it was the brutality of high school culture or a crisis in the family or anything else we could desperately cite as a trigger, but last Thursday the big goth girl hung herself from a tree in her backyard.   Her younger brother found her. 

Fucking nightmare.

The funeral was this morning.  They dressed the big girl in her goth finest.  Her Doc Marten boots were leaning against her casket and filled with long stemmed roses.  The place was packed with weeping kids, many of them clearly 'different'.  The boys really got to me.  They stood with their arms straight down, trembling with their sobbing.  The girls held on to each other, but the boys had no where to go with their grief. 

Some members of the soccer team were there.  I saw none of those high powered parents or their children.

We know that teenage suicide happens, it's out there, but when it comes crashing into our kids lives, they are shaken to the core.  Molly is beside herself with sorrow.  She's had nightmares and obsessive thoughts on how her ex-teammate ended her life.  For Moll there is another edge to this - she is horrified that social persecution may have contributed to this tragedy.  Our kid has always championed the underdog and has pursued and maintained lively friendships with the supposed uncool kids.  Molly was raised with 'the different' - our queer friends, the Filipino side of the family, my single women girlfriends who decided not to marry and have children, our people who did not buy into the system and built off-the-grid houses in Alaska or chose to live the nomad life - all varied and wonderful friends who defy categorization and wander merrily away from the mainstream.  Our kiddo knows and appreciates the world of the outlier, but now she has seen its dark side.

Molly and I are taking off for Oahu tomorrow morning.  We decided to do this on sheer and lovely impulse.  After the funeral we stopped by Moll's school and her understanding teachers provided reading assignments and math homework.  She needs a break. She needs another perspective.  I figure parasailing will do the trick.  We'll be returning on Monday night. 

Until then, I send my best to all of you, Dear Readers.  Know that I am grateful and honored by your visits to my site.  The blog community nurtures and sustains me, and I hope it does the same for you.  In that spirit, let's look out for one another.  Let's help each other with our kids. They belong to all of us and they need us to listen, listen, listen.

Comments

[elswhere]

Oh, Grace. I feel for the Goth girl. And for her family. And for you and Molly. It *is* a fucking nightmare.

[Suzanne]

That's such a tragedy! You just never know what is going on in the lives and minds of some teens, and I wish there was some way to reach out to more of them! I feel for you all, and wish you and your daughter the strength to weather this situation.

[Suzanne]

I never cared for Dr. Laura very much anyways!

[impossiblejane]

Grace, that is awful. I'm so sorry to hear about Goth Girl...especially because I was like that in high school. Goth girl and I would have been good friends. Black clothes, Doc martins, green hair, piercings, etc. I was fortunate enough to have mentors outside of high school that I knew cared about me. High School was still a struggle despite that.

In all of my trainings to work with teens they always say that when there's a crisis happening and a kid is being loud and disruptive and seeking all of the adults attention, it's not the loud kid you have to worry about, it's the silent one in the corner you have to worry about.

Now, as an young adult my heart always beats for the silent, awkward kid. All of us should find it in our hearts to take a teen under our wings...it helped me.
Jane

[nina]

Oh, there just aren't words. I'm so glad you decided to go on your trip.

[lu]

How incredibly sad...tragic, really. Hugs to you and Molly...hope your getaway will prove to be consoling. I, for one, will be giving my preteen an extra smothering of hugs this afternoon.

[Jo]

Oh my God! That's so terrible! Awful. Please give my best to Molly. I wish there were something I could say. It's so frightening.

[Mamacita]

The 'different' kids are my favorite kids. I wish she'd lived in my old school's neighborhood. They would have given her to me, and I would have loved her in spite of herself. Which is not to say it would have prevented her from killing herself, but you never know. One smile from one person. Sometimes, that's all it takes to make a kid lay the rope down.

Adults can be so judgmental. And it's a behavior easily learned. Sigh.

You're an awesome person.

[Kat]

I'll keep you and dear daughter in my prayers.

[byakko]

Ultimate sadness. I will be extra-loving those dearest to me in this girl's honor. Thank you for sharing, and may you and your daughter bring the positive out of this together.

[Carol]

I am so sorry, Grace. I feel so much for Molly and for you and for that poor girl's family. Especially her poor brother. How horrific that must have been for him.

I was one of the different kids too. Not a goth, but a painfully shy theatre geek/Navy brat with constant uprooting and some questionable events in my childhood. If it weren't for the fact that I managed to find some incredible friends in high school - other theatre geeks and nerds and super smart kids, many of whom I have remained friends with or have recently reconnected with - I don't know what might have happened. Over twenty years later I still identify strongly with the different kids in school.

Suicide of any kind is sad, but a teen suicide possibly caused by societal pressures? It is a terrible tragedy. Please accept my sympathies.

[Janet]

Grace, I'm so sorry to hear about this poor girl, and what your Moll is going thru. Going to Oahu will be wonderful for her, even if it's just to change her scenery.

[Leo]

Oh my G-d...that picture of the Doc Martens with the long-stemmed roses just killed me. The girl, her family and your family will be in my prayers...

[Margaret]

As you know already, I have personally experienced the suicide of my brother and there is no death as horrific. I can't really verbalize how confused, sad, guilty, angry the loved ones feel. It makes my stomach hurt to even think about it. Give Molly a big hug and all that mommy love. The warmth of Hawaii will be a balm to your soul.

[Tonya]

My heart aches. It aches because of the sadness, of course, but it also aches at the cruelty of certain members of humankind. Be they the snobby soccer-moms or the offspring of snobby soccer-moms.

[Kris]

Grace, choke, gasp, weep, scream. I can't express to you my sadness. This last weekend one of the sophomores at Carlemont High School comitted suicide also. What the f*&k is going on? What a tragedy for the whole community that was this girl's world.

Aloha my sister-friend. May you and your beautiful, sweet Molly find comfort with each other in the land of sweet fruit and beautiful sunsets. My Mother-in-law just bought a house in Honolulu! Must see you when you return.

[chasmyn]

Oh, I am so so sorry for this sweet girl's family. And for Molly. This is such a horrible tragedy and I know only too well the grief her family is feeling right now. My heart is with them and you both.

[simone]

Oh my dear Grace!

I've just been writing in my blog about the need to pray. And then I read your entry -- and a rush of emotion just sailed from my body to you and your daughter.

FWIW, I have some very personal insight about teen suicides, having survived a couple of my own attempts. Those experiences prompted me to seek help and then to train and volunteer as a counselor on a crisis hotline for teens.

For anyone who's reading this and feels troubled, please know that there are resources available to help with these kinds of situations. Please, please, don't give up hope. Reach out -- in most cases, the phone numbers for crisis hotlines are listed in your local phone book.

[bonnie]

I'm so sorry to hear about Molly's friend! High school has become a brutal experience for many sensitive souls. If only Margaret and Mamacita had been there. May you have a healing time of togetherness...my prayers for you and your dear Molly!

[Rebecca]

I just stumbled upon your blog and read the entry today and now I'm awash in tears. My heart goes out to you all. I am so sorry. I haven't words.

[Bakerina]

Oh, Grace. Oh, oh, oh. I am reeling at the thought of your sweet Molly going through this, and of that poor lost girl. I'm so sorry. But I'm glad that you two are going away to seek out beauty in the face of such terrible sadness, and, frankly, I'm amazed that you were able to put together such a fierce, loving, cogent post in the wake of all this. If I was not in awe of you before (and I was), then I definitely am now.

Do drop in on Monday and let us know how you are.

[pam]

Grace, my heart goes out to you and Molly, and that poor girl and her family, too. I hope you and Molly get the most out of your weekend together. Let us know how it goes, please.

[Michelle]

What a fantastic mom you are, taking something awful and putting a good experience on top of it.

That is a very sad story. You know I have a special place in my heart for goth kids...

[Crystal]

Oh, Grace. That's horrible. I went to a rich kid suburban high school, I've seen the crulty in action, but this is so tragic. There's nothing else I can say, just tragic. Big hugs to you and Molly, what a sad, horrific thing.

[Faith]

It breaks my heart to hear something like this. That could be my daughter one day. Tragedy.