pilot light

Grace at the closing keynote
Originally uploaded by nina turns 40.

Some background on this post for those who did not attend BlogHer 06

just like that, in the flash of an email the direction of the talk switched from what did your blogs do to change the world? to how did you change since blogging, or since you were born, since forever?

and, like that, i had to toss my mental index cards, the carefully thought out sound bytes and talking points, all the stuff that was about my blogging and not directly about me. objective concepts, detached from who i really am and attached to what i do.

fuck! i was fucking scared out of my mind!.  jumpy and dry mouthed.  i had to talk about myself and where i've been and what got me to this place on the dais with Famous People.  fuck, fuck, fuck! i had to talk about myself.

that's the problem, the stuff about Myself is about carnage and living through it.  it's about the nightmare that was about my girlhood.  it's about surviving incest and beatings (losing half of my hearing after being slammed against a wall) and the loss of dignity, of grace (oh, the irony of my name)

its about dark and scary beasts, running from them, often getting caught, sometimes being eaten alive. 

do i talk about all that in front of 700 people? a few of them my friends, but most strangers? do i pull out the beasts and nightmares from my pocket, open my outstretched hand and point a little girl finger (with a nail bitten down to the quick) to this - my fathers rage, or this - my mother's abandonment, or this - my terror and then my anger and then the huge sorrow that continues to hang over me today and will probably linger forever?

no, i instead i spoke in code:

"my childhood was hard" = i am a survivor of child sexual and physical abuse

"my parents expectations of me were high" = i couldn't do anything to make them love me, i was a receptacle, like an ashtray, and a punching bag, a scapegoat

but then i also said:

"my pilot light was always on...even though i didn't realize it...it was always on"

that was not in code, those were not euphemistic words.  it's true, just as true as my daughter's crinkled face when she was born of me, of my body that i once thought was wretched and bad because that's what i was taught.  i unlearned that when my daughter, my motherhood and my womanhood was born and i've been raising my fist up high ever since.

i couldn't say this at the closing keynote.  it's too much and too big and i would have cried and maybe some of you would have cried with me, but some would have rolled their eyes and i didn't want that.  i grew up with that disdain and i will not stand for that now.

i may have refrained from saying all that, All of That, in front of 700 people,  but here i am telling you now that this is how i changed:  i got out, i got help and i got my life back. and lucky, lucky me - my pilot light was always on.

so, that is my story of fearlessness.

Comments

[elaine]

rock on, grace!

[Elizabeth]

...and your pilot light sparks such good in the world... bringing light and hope and, yes, grace to others. thank you.

[Heidi]

It's official: I heart Grace.

[Izzy]

I sensed that there was a deeper meaning to your words when you were up on that stage. And you seemed larger than life to me, even face-to-face. And now I know why...

Because you speak to so many.

{hugs}}

[byakko]

*smooches*

[Sue Richards]

Rather, you have great courage. Go pound your chest and roar dear girl.

Sue

[Janeen]

Dear, dear Grace. Your light is so precious to all of us. Thank you for keeping it burning, and for sharing your story here where it will be recieved with love.

[Glennia]

That made me cry, Grace. When I'm supposed to be working. I am SO fired.

Lovely to meet you today. You rock in print and in person!

[Karl]

Grace, thank you for posting this. I wish I had the strength to post about my ordeals, too. One day, maybe.

[Mir]

And what a lovely pilot light it is, Grace. Let it shine.

[chris]

Love you, grace.

[Jenijen]

Me, too. I love you, too!

[Mocha]

Someday I hope to be on a dais with YOU. I will lose my shit, too. I know I will.

[Kris]

and what a pilot light it is...shinning as bright as can be!

[Jenny]

You are simply gorgeous, Grace. Inside and out.

[e]

you never, ever lost grace. not ever. not once.

[Lin]

Not only is your pilot light on, but it's helping illuminate the way for many whose light isn't quite as bright...that's how important your message is, Grace.

"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine..."

[Jenny]

Wow. I wasn't at Blogher but I'm so glad you shared this.

Your pilot light is blinding.

[cynthia]

You rock the solar system, not just the planet.

[Annagrace]

Grace-as a fellow survivor I know how hard it is to summarize a childhood... especially for people who don't already know you. And it really is amazing how birthing a child (especially another girl!) can get down underneath the lies and finally give you back your self... I just had a baby girl, too.

Peace--

[thanks]

"Not only is your pilot light on, but it's helping illuminate the way for many whose light isn't quite as bright...that's how important your message is, Grace."

I confronted my father three weeks ago. I told my mother today. Right now, everything's a mess. I've read and thought about your words a lot the last few days and I keep telling myself it'll be better in a little while. Grace did it. I can do it, too.

[samirah]

you just get cooler and cooler every time you post. how is this possible?

p.s. I pretty much adore you.

[JGS]

I just wrote about this issue on my site and finally decided to begin to share all. I felt like I was hiding myself and that wasn't helping me. And we're doing this for ourselves first, right?

I am impressed with your courage and committment to making things better for your daughter. You are giving her the most incredible gift possible.

[wordgirl]

That you are a functioning human being...let alone a loved and well-known person in the blogging world is nothing less than miraculous...given your backstory.

[chantel]

"my pilot light was always on...even though i didn't realize it...it was always on"

This is powerful and for me describes my survival in words that I may never find. It takes a whole lot of consciousness and graciousness to just learn to live. You do it fearlessly.

Much Love