Internet, is it okay to ask someone about their ethnicity?

Again, I have a bunch of stuff to ask you, Dear Internet.  This time it's a big topic.

As touched upon briefly in previous posts, I am kindly requesting that you consider and respond to my questions on the often touchy business of asking a person about their racial background.   You may provide your answers in the comments section or use the trackback feature to your own blog post on the subject.

Target responders are Americans and Canadians, though this topic may be relevant for the British and Europeans, any country or region where power in the culture is limited to Anglo whites.

Parents may also remark on how these inquiries are presented in reference to their mixed race children.  Parents whose adopted children are racially different from their own ethnicity contend with an additional burden of  awkward and insensitive inquiries, (i.e., "How much did you pay for your Guatemalan baby?")  Though these stories are compelling and these families deserve our sympathies, the focus of this forum is centered on the basic issues of asking someone about their racial make-up.

You may answer all or some of these inquiries as you feel qualified, comfortable and/or willing.

Dear Readers, I want to know -

1. Is it okay to ask of someone's racial background?   
2. If you are okay with asking someone about her or his ethnicity, how do you pose the question?  (Frequently used queries include - "What's your heritage?"  "What's your race?"  Or, the oft-asked but incorrectly worded,  "What's your nationality?")
3. If you are curious about someone's racial background, but hesitate to ask her or him to discuss it, what prevents you from posing the question?
4. If you are of color/not white*, is it okay for a white person to ask about your racial background?  If you take issue with a white person asking about your racial background,  please explain why this presents a problem for you.

* "of color/not white" =  any individual whose ethnic make-up is not Anglo-white, the dominant and most powerful racial group of this society and culture.

Your commentary is important to me and may be useful to others including authors penning a modern etiquette manual,  citizens concerned about improving race relations, and folks who have always wondered about such things.

Feel free to add facts from the literature, survey and poll results, and any juicy anecdotal information to enhance your response.

In case you care, my own answers are after the jump. 

1. Is it okay to ask of someone's racial background?   

Generally, I think it's okay.  Of course, motives will be suspect if you're a certain sketchy type such as:

• A pro-Aryan skinhead with multiple tats of swastikas.
• A pudgy, geezer white guy who, in regarding my small frame, dark skin and black hair from across the room, sprints towards me eagerly, having concluded quite erroneously that he might have found his perfect, virginal Filipina wife, she of the traditional (aka, anti-feminist) values.
• Anyone who delivers the question with a sneer .

Then, I would make haste for the nearest exit as I don't want to waste my valuable time on the planet dealing with a skinhead who desires nothing more than bashing my "gook" head into the pavement, or encouraging the eager advances of an old white guy interested in a Cherry Blossom Bride.  As for the sneerer, I am rather expert at the sneer myself, so I sneer back, then I beat a hasty retreat.

Most of us non-white folks can sniff a suspicious, sketchy type within a five mile radius.   However, I appreciate and try to lessen the anxiety of those well meaning folks who simply want to know what the hell I am, because it can be a pretty lively guessing game. 

Me, for your consideration:

Attempts at identifying my race have included Latina, Hawaiian, Eskimo and Native American.  Half of the time folks guess Asian, but, of those accurate guessers, only a third pins it down to Filipina.

Here, I appear racially ambiguous.  However, I do look like I could definitely use a Mai Tai.

 

2.  If you are okay with asking someone about her or his ethnicity, how do you pose the question?  (Frequently asked queries include - "What's your heritage?"  "What's your race?"  Or, the oft-asked but incorrectly worded,  "What's your nationality?")

One thing for certain is that I never ask, "What's your nationality?"  When I am presented with this oft-posed but poorly phrased inquiry, I promptly reply, "American."

Yes, I realize that's the smart-ass response.  I am aware of what that inquiry means 99% of the time.  Customs officers comprise the 1% posing that query and they must do so, for that is their job.  But, with the remaining 99%, my curt reply is not the answer they're looking for.  Frustrated, they'll rephrase the question:

    "I mean, where are you from?"

Again, not the right question.  To this, I answer,

"Oh!  Well, I'm from California." 

At this point they're turning a little red and sputtering,

"No!  I  mean, what's your background?"

Then, I turn up the Obnoxious Dial ever so slightly and give them some background - I spent many interesting but impoverished years in my early adulthood vagabonding around North America and Europe doing nothing but rock climbing,  mountaineering and eating Top Ramen; I studied the grim verse of the World War I British soldier poets in college then went back to school to study biology so I could get a decently paying job;  I worked for 20 years in pharmaceutical and medical device R&D which sounds sexy but I spent most of the time in a soul sucking and health compromising cubicle, staring at data and numbers dancing nightmarishly on my computer monitor.

Now, that's "background".

By that point,  I pushed it too far.  Their veins are bulging in their necks and they can barely spit out the real question:

    "No!  No!  No!  I mean what's your race?  What's your ethnicity?"

Ahhhhh, my race!  My ethnicity!   That's what you're talking about!

(Poor dollins, they caught me in a rascally mood.)

I proceed to give them the goods:   My parents are from the Philippines,   My Dad's mother was Filipina and his father was a white man from Tennessee, hence my WASP-y last name.  Both my Mom's parents were Filipinos.  My siblings, most of my first cousins and I were all born and raised in California.  For added effect, I also like to mention that I gave birth to a tow headed baby who was shockingly blonde until she turned six, and that her Dad is a white guy from South Dakota, land of Mount Rushmore, wheat fields and flaxen haired babies.

My flaxen haired baby at 10 months.  Besides being killer cute, she was an early walker.

The take-home message:  Don't mince words.  Go right ahead and say "race" or "ethnicity" out loud.   It's okay.  Really.

If this seems too forward, you may preface the question with these face saving devices:

"I'm wondering..."

"I hope you don't mind me asking, but..."

And gentle variations of the above in the spirit of good manners.

Also, avoid apologies, as I discuss in this post.  I'm not sorry to say that I'm Filipina, so don't be sorry to ask.

Some say it's not good manners to even ask.  I say that it depends on motive.  See #1.

Further on prefacing, feel free to use any of the following lead-ins when asking about my ethnic background.  My 52 year old ego will love it.

"Your cheekbones, so finely pronounced, I'll bet they can cut glass.  Tell me, is your elegant bone structure indicative of a certain racial group?  What is your ethnic background?"

"My, but you have glorious skin, rich of tone, and free of major wrinkles.  Are you fortunate enough to be Asian?  What is your ethnic background?"

"I greatly admire your strong, definitive jawline.  I'll bet you don't take shit from anyone.  It's a powerful, badass look and I'll be sure to act on my best behavior around you.  Are your people of the mighty Sioux Nation?  What is your ethnic background?"

3.  If you are curious about someone's racial background, but hesitate to ask her or him to discuss it, what prevents you from posing the question?

I never hesitate to ask about someone's racial background.  It doesn't matter who's doing the asking, I always enjoy a positive discussion on the topic.   However, introducing the topic depends on the situation, timing and the sense I have of the person I'm asking.  I do not ask if the person is shy, but I don't bring up meaty issues with shy folks anyway until I gain their trust and confidence.  I do not ask the question within earshot of a group as people have varying reactions to such discussions and you never know who might get uncomfortable or offended.  I almost always pose the question in a one-on-one situation and only when there's a good vibe in the air.

Because I've spent a lifetime being asked about my ethnicity, I have evolved to knowing how to make this inquiry of another without generating disquieting reactions such as embarrassed blushing to answers accompanied with foul language and the wielding of a weapon.

I'm especially interested in getting mixed race folks to talk about their ethnic mix.  I give myself permission for asking as I'd like to think that the person assumes I extend empathy and solidarity because of my own hybrid make-up.  By the way, there's a special soul shake when mixed race people meet.  Stefania, Kristen, Stan and I will have to demonstrate the greeting for the Internet sometime.

Anyway, I don't ask the question if I'm pretty clear about a person's race.   I'm certain most folks do the same, though there's a funny story in my social circle about a fairly dim witted woman we knew who wanted to ask something of a black friend by the name of Anthony.   She began her question with, "Anthony, I noticed you are black..."  For many years thereafter, Anthony was referred to and addressed as  "Anthony-I-Noticed-You-Are-Black".

What I like to do is ask folks of any color where they grew up and what brought their parents and/or grandparents to that area.  This almost always prompts the responder to tell that story about themselves (which we all are fond of doing) and how their families settled in their hometown.   If they're "military brats", they'll invariably tell their story of domestic and international travels which, though life enhancing, is marked with poignant commentary about sad departures from school buddies.  If they grew up in Fargo, North Dakota, there's an excellent chance they'll share the story of how their great-great-grandparents came from Norway to farm acres of corn and bring lutefisk to the New World.  If you're chatting with Barack Obama, you'll hear a fascinating tale of growing up in Indonesia and Hawaii and that his Dad was an African studying at the University of Hawaii when he met Obama's white mother.

Except for Native Americans, we all come from somewhere.  And, even they had to cross the Bering Strait to get here from Asia.

4.  If you are of color/not white,  is it okay for a white person to ask about your racial background?  If you take issue with a white person asking about your racial background,  please explain why this presents a problem for you.

The lovely Krisco prompted this question, when she inquired in an earnest email:

"...is it only verboten between certain races, i.e. a white person cannot ask a person of color their heritage?"

I don't mind the question coming from anyone of any race, white included, provided their motives are kind, just and pure.  See above re: skinheads.

But, if you're white, don't be surprised if a person of color evades the question, or asks why you want to know or tells you it's none of your damn business.   We ethnic types get a little weary of the clumsy, ignorant  stuff thrown our way by clumsy, ignorant white people.   We all have our stories.  My favorite these days didn't happen to me, but to a Latina acquaintance who was asked by an older white woman if she and her mother were available to clean her house and they would be paid under the table.  Why, thanks so much for wanting to help my illegal alien mamacita and poor little me, bitch face!  The Latina woman didn't answer in this manner, she being a genteel sort, but she did shoot the white woman a look that would kill with a very sharp machete.

My best advice is to follow the suggestions I present above.  Don't be coy and introduce the question with polite prefaces if being direct makes you nervous.  Be aware of the surroundings and the mood of the situation.  Be gentle with the shy.

And, once again, if you are addressing the question of race to me, please do not hesitate to include any or all of the flattering references to my cheekbones, skin and jawline in the discussion.

 

Comments

[C]

If people ask in a non-sketchy, non-rude manner, I don't mind, but a lot of the time, it's the Caucasian guy who sees a short black hair, brown eyed girl who is asking me 'What are you?' Um, human?

Other ways I've been asked are...

Your English is really good - where are you from? (Um, San Francisco) No, where are you originally from? (I was born in San Francisco) Ooooh, where are your parents from? (Am I being too sensitive?)

[GraceD]

Ha, C! I forgot about the "you speak English really good" crap! Of course, irony abounds with their use of'good' instead of 'well'.

Anyway, I got that line a lot when I lived in England. But, that might have been because I was speaking 'American'.

[pam]

There's a double-standard regarding whites vs. every other color, when it comes to satisfying the ol' curiosity. You outlined it yourself in your post, though you didn't come right out and say it.

You write that you (a lovely, outgoing person who happens to be non-white) have no trouble asking someone what her ethnicity is. You say sure, it's hunky dory ... EXCEPT you go on to warn whites asking the same thing:

"... don't be surprised if a person of color evades the question, or asks why you want to know or tells you it's none of your damn business. We ethnic types get a little weary of the clumsy, ignorant stuff thrown our way by clumsy, ignorant white people."

Do you hear the implied threat of ostricism there? The double-standard is borne of resentment about the days when whites were, socially and legally, the big dogs. Legally - that's slowly being erased, but socially ... the attitude will hold on for a long time.

And we never know when and where we'll hear a white imply he's still superior to others. Will we hear it in a skinhead? Sure dude, we saw him coming from a mile away. Will we see it in a nice pudgy mommy at the playground? Well, she could be just "clumsy, ignorant" white woman. But what if she's secretly a racist? Either way, she'd better keep it to herself because she has no business prying.

The exact same double-standard exists between the genders, and between Jews and Gentiles, and between gays and straights. History is rife. And IMO, the only way it goes away is by abolishing the laws that give one subculture more rights than any other, and then waiting umpteen generations for the social wounds to heal.

[landismom]

I promise, Grace, that if we ever meet in person, I will be sure to compliment your finely-honed jaw.

Great post.

[GraceD]

Pammy, lots of strong words in your commentary - "double standard", "warn", "threat", "ostracism". I'd like to counter your phrasing with some of my own:

White people should proceed carefully in asking non-whites about their ethnic origins not because of a double-standard but because being sensitive in asking or even not asking such a question is considering the consequences and effects of white racism in this country.

And, that's the essence of it all, for me. There's no threat, ostracism or warning intended. Just a request for awareness.

Anyway, Pam, how would you answer those questions?

[GraceD]

Lmom - and don't forget my glass cutting cheekbones. Sharp! Like machete!

[pam]

Well, I chose my words carefully, but forgot to temper them with a little good humor. Sorry.

RE: the double-standard. First, I don't think this in itself is a bad thing. It's just human nature, and a phase at that. I think it happens when one subculture is routinely subjugated under the law. Any subculture. As a reaction, they pull in, look with suspicion on those who might be trying to put them down further. So, people of color can query each other more easily than whites can query non-whites. That's all I meant.

In a few generations this reaction might lessen; at least I think it will. My kid says it will.

Since I wrote above, it hit me that this is also how most people react to *strangers*, of any ilk. The skinhead and the pudgy playground mom in my awkward example are both strangers and haven't proven themselves worthy of the trust it takes to share something personal like ethnicity, religion, politics, etc. So. Blow some holes in this theory if it's weak.

(Two long posts! Dayamn, I should get my own blog or something.)

The only person who ever made me uncomfortable asking my ethnicity was my fiance's grandma from Napa, California. (We were both white - you need to know that for context.) I'd come to dread her sugary-sweet questions that hid secret malice. "Were you born in this country, dear?" she asked. I tartly replied, "No, Ida, I was born in Indiana." Weirdly, that was the end of that!

[GraceD]

But, is ethnicity personal? It's not hidden, like religion (unless you're an Hassidim or in a burqa or a nun). Skin color and racial features are up front and prominent, yet it's a matter that's not discussed openly. In my utopia, asking about one's ethnicity is not only okay, it's a requirement, intended to promote discourse and exchange knowledge.

So, were you speaking in an Indiana accent to Grandma Ida? Is that what threw her off, all those Indiana vowels, slurs and rolling r's?

[GraceD]

And, about strangers. Interestingly, many inquiries about my ethnicity have come from strangers. Some have been sketchy ("Is that really your child? She's so white!" Acutal quote. )and some interesting ("I was looking at you and I've come to the conclusion that you're Jamaican-Eskimo. Am I right?" Actual quote #2.)

Strangers. I have always depended on the clumsiness of strangers.

[Marilyn]

My first question was going to be WHY? Why would anyone care what someone else is? Then I read your comment in reply to one of Pam's..."In my utopia, asking about one's ethnicity is not only okay, it's a requirement, intended to promote discourse and exchange knowledge." Cultural knowledge? Discourses on racial inequities in this society? I can't imagine asking anyone 'what they are.' What's it to me? They're human. Period. (I hope you know I'm saying this with good humor in case it sounds cranky.) I'm all for bracing one's children about what they might face out in the world with regard to this. (My step-son, who's African-American and Chinese, better know that in most Americans' eyes, he's Black. Period.) But outside of that I chafe a bit at this stuff. Because, for ME, it reinforces the kind of behavior that has journalists and talking heads writing and asking about Obama's race (why is he automatically a Black candidate when he's equally white?) yet never referring to Clinton as a white candidate. I'm saying all of this in response to you asking us if we think it's okay to ASK. Now, if someone wants to of their own volition (for whatever reason) start telling me about their ethnicity, I'm all ears. :)

[chris]

grace,

You have met me you know they don't really come more boring white bread that I. I think that when people ask you a question about your race or ethnicity, you can read what they are really asking behind the question. Whether it is a poorly phrased question, or one thinly masking real bigotry. Which is why it is difficult to have discussions of what is and is not an appropriate question. Sometimes it is more about what is behind the question than the question itself.

My husband is of Italian descent. He has olivey skin, black hair, and black eyes.

My first born son was really dark when he was born. He looked like he been in a tanning bed and had a thick mop of jet black hair. Sort of the complete opposite of you and molly.

When he was about 4 mos old I went to go visit a friend of mine who lived in the South. One of her neighbors came over looked at me and my baby. She pointed at him and said, "What is your husband?"

And honestly I was so confused. What is he? A cyborg? An alien?

So then she says, "No, where is he from?"

And at this point I got what she she saying. I saw disgust in her eyes. And so I answered, "Connecticut."

"No what race is he?"

"He is caucasion"

She became annoyed and said, "Well he can't be white. Your baby is practically black!"

Oh how I laughed. And also, I refused to answer the question.

Other people had asked me questions before this, but usually it was along the lines of. "hey cute baby! he must look like his father because he looks nothing like you!"

and then I could answer, "Yes he got the cuteness from his father."

[Bethiclaus]

Well, I'm more than half white, and I certainly enjoy the privilege of a white appearance, but because there is "something about me" (which is a strange thing to be told), I am frequently asked by non-whites if I am white. Because my social experience is one of white privilege, I feel that the affirmative is the most honest answer. I do frequently tell them that since we didn't live in the same part of the country as my mother's tribe, we visited celebrations of local tribes so that I would know something about the culture of her people.

More frequently, I get questions about my daughter, since her father is Mexican-American. She has a Spanish name and while I don't think her ethnicity is immediately apparent, she is certainly browner than your average Anglo baby.

I don't mind when people ask about her ethnic makeup, but I'm bothered by the social commentary I get from people. "Oh, you're so lucky! Mixed babies are always so cute!" To which I say, you clearly haven't seen ALL mixed babies. But really? Mixed babies? And I'm lucky for having one?

I get a lot of people asking me about my husband's ethnicity. But he says he almost never gets asked the question himself. It makes me want to stop answering the questions. I don't want people to think that it's okay to ask me what they clearly think is an offensive question just because I appear to be ethnically similar to them.

For me, like you it seems, motive is the main factor in how I feel about the question. But I have to admit that even unintentional ignorance about these issues rubs me the wrong way.

[jenijen]

Hey Grace, it's Jenijen. I think, like you said, that intent is key. I'm asked all the time "what" I am. Generally, I take the same tack as you, and answer the question literally (a writer, a mom, a human).

When people scrutinize me and look at me close and ask "What are you? Are you (whatever)?" it irks me a little. Like you, I prefer the compliment approach!

My answer is generally that my family comes from quite a few different places, but that my ancestors came to the US before the Revolutionary War, so I'm about as "American" as you can get. My grandfather's grandmother was Cherokee. The family story is that she claimed to be Black Dutch because she lived in an area where being a Native American meant that life was uphill all the way.

Did I answer the question? I don't think I answered the question. Yes, I think it's fine to ask, but obviously not in the "what are you?" way. How do I ask others? I usually don't, but if I do I make sure not to be a dumbass about it.

And, like you, I gave birth to a little blond baby. People are not at all shy about looking at the two of us and asking, IS SHE YOURS? yep, she's mine, I'll say. OH HER DAD MUST BE BLOND, HUH? Sometimes I want to shoot back with, "Hmmm. I'm not sure, it was kinda dark." That would be funny, but I never do it.

[Amanda]

I'm constantly asking people about their ethnicity, so I'm glad to read it's not a huge faux paus.

My (anglo) brother's Chinese wife is about to give birth to their first baby and I can't wait to see how beautiful that child is going to be. Every time I see a kid at the playground with an ethnic makeup I think might be similar, I strike up a conversation with the parents and tell them about my brother. No one ever seems offended!

[Jenny]

I'm mixed-race. I think it's okay for anyone to ask about racial background, but, as you say, be courteous about it. The "What are you?" question is the one that bugs me most, I think. A waiter asked me that once when I was sitting with my (white) dad in a restaurant in Nebraska. Since I didn't want him spitting in my food, I said, "I'm half him," indicating my dad, "and half Korean." The waiter said, "I thought so," and went on to tell me about the places he'd visited in Korea and, again for the sake of my food, I pretended to be interested. Afterwards my dad said, "Do people really come up to you and ask you that??"

The cutest phrasing I've heard was from a nine-year-old (also half Asian) at a summer camp I worked at: "Is there another country in your family?"

I generally don't ask about people's racial background because I'm honestly not that curious, and I figure they may be tired of talking about it. And since I'm open to question myself, I figure if they want to talk about it, they'll ask me.

[meghan]

I (who happen to be quite visibly white) am often curious about people's ethnicity for the reasons that Grace mentioned. I love to learn more about the experiences of people in the U.S and elswhere who look different than me and because of that, might have different experiences in American culture than me. I try to be very careful when asking questions pertaining to race and ethnicity. I don't ask strangers, but sometimes if I am getting to know someone and / or getting into a good discussion, I ask. I also try to make it clear that my question comes from a place of curiosity and openenness to learning and not a place of hostility.
It's important to be aware that the caucasian race is the privelelged race in US society. People who have not dealt with racial discrimination or stereotypes sometimes don't get that. Because of this, I imagine there are people who are of color who are leery and / or sick of being questioned about their racial makeup. Can't say I blame them either.

[aoife]

I was born and raised in Ireland. I have black hair, pale freckled skin and green eyes. I've lived in the U.S. for 11 years. Because I have an Irish accent, I am frequently asked (by black and white) where I come from. I am also frequently told (and always with surprise in the voice) that I speak wonderful english "they must teach it in the schools over there huh?". It's been pointed out to me more times than I can remember, that I don't have red hair and "don't all irish people have red hair?", and that it's "weird" that my hair is so black but I am covered in freckles. I've never been offended by this. I always see it as simple curiosity and never mind explaining that English is the main language of Ireland and that not all Irish people have red hair. Assumptions are made that I'm english, scottish, australian and even a newfoundlander! Again, I don't take offence and just let people know that I'm Irish. What's the big deal in simply correcting people and assuming(the majority of individuals who make those kind of remarks)that there is no offence meant and no offence taken? Isn't that continuing the cycle in some way?

[impossiblejane]

EXCELLENT topic!

At work race is not the elephant in the room. We work with such a racially diverse population that the topic comes up all the time. Usually, it is a person of color throwing their baggage at me (me of pale, northern European, burn-in-ten-minutes skin color). I am the only white person at work and thus become the whipping boy for all of the white person's past mistakes. I will not let negative racial comments fly, nor will my co-workers. My co-workers and I have discovered that many, if not most of our clients (homeless families) have been deeply cut and hurt by racism and we address issues as soon as the rise.

Because I work with homeless folks we track statistics in a system called Homeless Management Information System and we have to ask race and ethnicity. I never assume and I always ask, "what is your race?" Even if I know the person is Caucasian. If I am feeling like it's a touchy subject I ask, "What is your heritage?" But, in general I find my clients don't get offended by me, or my staff, for asking. Race usually becomes an issue later when interactions happen.

In terms of personal relations I usually wait to get to know a person before I ask...if at all. I have a co-worker who talks about how people think she's Latino all the time but she isn't. She never will say what her race is so I don't ask.

[Stan]

Indeed. I will do the special greeting with you any time.

As one of the mixed-race types, I'd say it's much better now than in the past. When I was a kid back in the '60s, it was an oddity. I got asked, "What's your nationality" more times than I can count. When people asked what race I was, I said, "Human". Being asked those questions enough times will turn anyone into a wiseass.

On the good side, I've passed for a native in both Hawaii and Mexico, so being ethnically ambiguous can come in handy at times.

[Mom101]

Ooh, so provocative. (And I can't wait to go back and read all the comments from your thoughtful readers.)

Here's a thought: It's not just people of color who get uncomfortable when asked about "background." I think it's anyone with the fear of that information being used to marginalize him or her. Take it from this here Jew.

[Leslie]

I was raised not to ask strangers personal questions simply because it was rude.

My maternal grandfather was japanese, but my sisters and I looked entirely white, or so I thought. The summer I graduated high school, I worked at Fairmont Hospital in San Leandro. Most of my co-workers were black. They IMMEDIATELY (but not unkindly) pointed out, "you're not all white, are you?" And I mean like the first day.How they picked up on this so fast I will never know, but it amazed the hell out of me at the time.

One day you must do a post about your time in England Grace. I'd love to hear it!

[Jenny]

I think it is fine to ask about ethnicity, although I'm none-too-smooth about satisfying my own curiousity. I tend to go the complimentary route, and try to be aware if my interest is causing the other person discomfort.

My hair stylist is from Jordan, and I complimented her gorgeous, lilting accent on our first meeting. She laughed at me and said "would you like to know about my heritage?" I wasn't sure whether I had overstepped or not. (She assures me that everyone is curious, all the time.)

With my hapa kids and half-Korean husband, ethnicity seems to work its way into conversations with strangers quite a bit. I've yet to meet anyone who had anything negative to say. Most people approach the subject with "your children are so unusual looking..." which I understand to be a question about their ethnicity. And I'm okay with that. It has opened up a lot of interesting discussions about the families that live, work and play around here.

[ben]

My kids constantly get "is that your dad?" questions.

Because I have three kids from three different sets of parents (and two are of mixed race, as well) and none of them have my DNA.

We get more questions than you could imagine...

[Margaret]

I too like the word heritage. I talk about my Italian heritage/family culture, and usually people share theirs. If not, I don't mind--even though I'm a naturally curious person.

[Heather]

As the italian, irish, german and some smattering of unsure mother of a child whose father is black, german and native american I can say that asking politely and with good intent is very very important.

I have seen good examples and poor examples of how to inquire about my daughter's ethnicity.

"Is she half?" is not a good way "Half what, dalmation?".
"What race is she?" not good, She's human, just like you.
"Are you her REAL mother?" ummm, just be quiet, I'm parenting here.
"She can't be black, her hair isn't kinky." sigh

To my fiance (who is the son of Portuguese immigrants from the Azores), "Oh watch out, once they go black, they never go back." (in reference to my ex husband.)

Good ways:
"She's lovely, she has your curls, but her skin is sooo gorgeous, did she get that from her dad?"
"Your daughter has a very distinctive look, what's her ethnic background?"

I see discrimination in such a different way now that I'm a mom, different than even when I was married to her father. I see more in how our language and phrasing works than in overt ways.
"He dresses up very well, for a black man."
"I'd have never guessed he was black on the phone."
and on and on and on and on.