Internet, is it okay to ask someone about their ethnicity?

Again, I have a bunch of stuff to ask you, Dear Internet.  This time it's a big topic.

As touched upon briefly in previous posts, I am kindly requesting that you consider and respond to my questions on the often touchy business of asking a person about their racial background.   You may provide your answers in the comments section or use the trackback feature to your own blog post on the subject.

Target responders are Americans and Canadians, though this topic may be relevant for the British and Europeans, any country or region where power in the culture is limited to Anglo whites.

Parents may also remark on how these inquiries are presented in reference to their mixed race children.  Parents whose adopted children are racially different from their own ethnicity contend with an additional burden of  awkward and insensitive inquiries, (i.e., "How much did you pay for your Guatemalan baby?")  Though these stories are compelling and these families deserve our sympathies, the focus of this forum is centered on the basic issues of asking someone about their racial make-up.

You may answer all or some of these inquiries as you feel qualified, comfortable and/or willing.

Dear Readers, I want to know -

1. Is it okay to ask of someone's racial background?   
2. If you are okay with asking someone about her or his ethnicity, how do you pose the question?  (Frequently used queries include - "What's your heritage?"  "What's your race?"  Or, the oft-asked but incorrectly worded,  "What's your nationality?")
3. If you are curious about someone's racial background, but hesitate to ask her or him to discuss it, what prevents you from posing the question?
4. If you are of color/not white*, is it okay for a white person to ask about your racial background?  If you take issue with a white person asking about your racial background,  please explain why this presents a problem for you.

* "of color/not white" =  any individual whose ethnic make-up is not Anglo-white, the dominant and most powerful racial group of this society and culture.

Your commentary is important to me and may be useful to others including authors penning a modern etiquette manual,  citizens concerned about improving race relations, and folks who have always wondered about such things.

Feel free to add facts from the literature, survey and poll results, and any juicy anecdotal information to enhance your response.

In case you care, my own answers are after the jump. 

1. Is it okay to ask of someone's racial background?   

Generally, I think it's okay.  Of course, motives will be suspect if you're a certain sketchy type such as:

• A pro-Aryan skinhead with multiple tats of swastikas.
• A pudgy, geezer white guy who, in regarding my small frame, dark skin and black hair from across the room, sprints towards me eagerly, having concluded quite erroneously that he might have found his perfect, virginal Filipina wife, she of the traditional (aka, anti-feminist) values.
• Anyone who delivers the question with a sneer .

Then, I would make haste for the nearest exit as I don't want to waste my valuable time on the planet dealing with a skinhead who desires nothing more than bashing my "gook" head into the pavement, or encouraging the eager advances of an old white guy interested in a Cherry Blossom Bride.  As for the sneerer, I am rather expert at the sneer myself, so I sneer back, then I beat a hasty retreat.

Most of us non-white folks can sniff a suspicious, sketchy type within a five mile radius.   However, I appreciate and try to lessen the anxiety of those well meaning folks who simply want to know what the hell I am, because it can be a pretty lively guessing game. 

Me, for your consideration:

Attempts at identifying my race have included Latina, Hawaiian, Eskimo and Native American.  Half of the time folks guess Asian, but, of those accurate guessers, only a third pins it down to Filipina.

Here, I appear racially ambiguous.  However, I do look like I could definitely use a Mai Tai.

 

2.  If you are okay with asking someone about her or his ethnicity, how do you pose the question?  (Frequently asked queries include - "What's your heritage?"  "What's your race?"  Or, the oft-asked but incorrectly worded,  "What's your nationality?")

One thing for certain is that I never ask, "What's your nationality?"  When I am presented with this oft-posed but poorly phrased inquiry, I promptly reply, "American."

Yes, I realize that's the smart-ass response.  I am aware of what that inquiry means 99% of the time.  Customs officers comprise the 1% posing that query and they must do so, for that is their job.  But, with the remaining 99%, my curt reply is not the answer they're looking for.  Frustrated, they'll rephrase the question:

    "I mean, where are you from?"

Again, not the right question.  To this, I answer,

"Oh!  Well, I'm from California." 

At this point they're turning a little red and sputtering,

"No!  I  mean, what's your background?"

Then, I turn up the Obnoxious Dial ever so slightly and give them some background - I spent many interesting but impoverished years in my early adulthood vagabonding around North America and Europe doing nothing but rock climbing,  mountaineering and eating Top Ramen; I studied the grim verse of the World War I British soldier poets in college then went back to school to study biology so I could get a decently paying job;  I worked for 20 years in pharmaceutical and medical device R&D which sounds sexy but I spent most of the time in a soul sucking and health compromising cubicle, staring at data and numbers dancing nightmarishly on my computer monitor.

Now, that's "background".

By that point,  I pushed it too far.  Their veins are bulging in their necks and they can barely spit out the real question:

    "No!  No!  No!  I mean what's your race?  What's your ethnicity?"

Ahhhhh, my race!  My ethnicity!   That's what you're talking about!

(Poor dollins, they caught me in a rascally mood.)

I proceed to give them the goods:   My parents are from the Philippines,   My Dad's mother was Filipina and his father was a white man from Tennessee, hence my WASP-y last name.  Both my Mom's parents were Filipinos.  My siblings, most of my first cousins and I were all born and raised in California.  For added effect, I also like to mention that I gave birth to a tow headed baby who was shockingly blonde until she turned six, and that her Dad is a white guy from South Dakota, land of Mount Rushmore, wheat fields and flaxen haired babies.

My flaxen haired baby at 10 months.  Besides being killer cute, she was an early walker.

The take-home message:  Don't mince words.  Go right ahead and say "race" or "ethnicity" out loud.   It's okay.  Really.

If this seems too forward, you may preface the question with these face saving devices:

"I'm wondering..."

"I hope you don't mind me asking, but..."

And gentle variations of the above in the spirit of good manners.

Also, avoid apologies, as I discuss in this post.  I'm not sorry to say that I'm Filipina, so don't be sorry to ask.

Some say it's not good manners to even ask.  I say that it depends on motive.  See #1.

Further on prefacing, feel free to use any of the following lead-ins when asking about my ethnic background.  My 52 year old ego will love it.

"Your cheekbones, so finely pronounced, I'll bet they can cut glass.  Tell me, is your elegant bone structure indicative of a certain racial group?  What is your ethnic background?"

"My, but you have glorious skin, rich of tone, and free of major wrinkles.  Are you fortunate enough to be Asian?  What is your ethnic background?"

"I greatly admire your strong, definitive jawline.  I'll bet you don't take shit from anyone.  It's a powerful, badass look and I'll be sure to act on my best behavior around you.  Are your people of the mighty Sioux Nation?  What is your ethnic background?"

3.  If you are curious about someone's racial background, but hesitate to ask her or him to discuss it, what prevents you from posing the question?

I never hesitate to ask about someone's racial background.  It doesn't matter who's doing the asking, I always enjoy a positive discussion on the topic.   However, introducing the topic depends on the situation, timing and the sense I have of the person I'm asking.  I do not ask if the person is shy, but I don't bring up meaty issues with shy folks anyway until I gain their trust and confidence.  I do not ask the question within earshot of a group as people have varying reactions to such discussions and you never know who might get uncomfortable or offended.  I almost always pose the question in a one-on-one situation and only when there's a good vibe in the air.

Because I've spent a lifetime being asked about my ethnicity, I have evolved to knowing how to make this inquiry of another without generating disquieting reactions such as embarrassed blushing to answers accompanied with foul language and the wielding of a weapon.

I'm especially interested in getting mixed race folks to talk about their ethnic mix.  I give myself permission for asking as I'd like to think that the person assumes I extend empathy and solidarity because of my own hybrid make-up.  By the way, there's a special soul shake when mixed race people meet.  Stefania, Kristen, Stan and I will have to demonstrate the greeting for the Internet sometime.

Anyway, I don't ask the question if I'm pretty clear about a person's race.   I'm certain most folks do the same, though there's a funny story in my social circle about a fairly dim witted woman we knew who wanted to ask something of a black friend by the name of Anthony.   She began her question with, "Anthony, I noticed you are black..."  For many years thereafter, Anthony was referred to and addressed as  "Anthony-I-Noticed-You-Are-Black".

What I like to do is ask folks of any color where they grew up and what brought their parents and/or grandparents to that area.  This almost always prompts the responder to tell that story about themselves (which we all are fond of doing) and how their families settled in their hometown.   If they're "military brats", they'll invariably tell their story of domestic and international travels which, though life enhancing, is marked with poignant commentary about sad departures from school buddies.  If they grew up in Fargo, North Dakota, there's an excellent chance they'll share the story of how their great-great-grandparents came from Norway to farm acres of corn and bring lutefisk to the New World.  If you're chatting with Barack Obama, you'll hear a fascinating tale of growing up in Indonesia and Hawaii and that his Dad was an African studying at the University of Hawaii when he met Obama's white mother.

Except for Native Americans, we all come from somewhere.  And, even they had to cross the Bering Strait to get here from Asia.

4.  If you are of color/not white,  is it okay for a white person to ask about your racial background?  If you take issue with a white person asking about your racial background,  please explain why this presents a problem for you.

The lovely Krisco prompted this question, when she inquired in an earnest email:

"...is it only verboten between certain races, i.e. a white person cannot ask a person of color their heritage?"

I don't mind the question coming from anyone of any race, white included, provided their motives are kind, just and pure.  See above re: skinheads.

But, if you're white, don't be surprised if a person of color evades the question, or asks why you want to know or tells you it's none of your damn business.   We ethnic types get a little weary of the clumsy, ignorant  stuff thrown our way by clumsy, ignorant white people.   We all have our stories.  My favorite these days didn't happen to me, but to a Latina acquaintance who was asked by an older white woman if she and her mother were available to clean her house and they would be paid under the table.  Why, thanks so much for wanting to help my illegal alien mamacita and poor little me, bitch face!  The Latina woman didn't answer in this manner, she being a genteel sort, but she did shoot the white woman a look that would kill with a very sharp machete.

My best advice is to follow the suggestions I present above.  Don't be coy and introduce the question with polite prefaces if being direct makes you nervous.  Be aware of the surroundings and the mood of the situation.  Be gentle with the shy.

And, once again, if you are addressing the question of race to me, please do not hesitate to include any or all of the flattering references to my cheekbones, skin and jawline in the discussion.

 

Comments

[Krisco]

Great post Grace!!! And great conversation. Thank you! I am so glad I got up the nerve to ask you the "is it ok to ask?" question!

But mostly, Great Jawline!!! : )

[Mamacita]

I am not very observant when it comes to peoples' outsides. I once had a student intern in my classroom for five months and didn't notice that he was Hispanic until he made a joke about it himself at lunch one day. I looked closer then, and sure enough. . . . One year, I didn't know my favorite student was black until his mother came to pick him up for a dental appointment one day. Such outward things just don't register with me. And Grace, my darling, I can't WAIT to compliment your cheekbones with my southern Indiana slurred vowels and my dreadful Hoosier twang! (You'll recognize me from across a crowded room; there are real ghosts who aren't as wide and pasty as I am.)

GRACE!!!! I can't WAIT to see y'all.

[rachel briggs]

great post! really enjoyed the debate.

[Kari]

I get so worried about making conversation so as not to inadvertently offend anyone. And yet I realize that by making it a big deal, it becomes a big deal, and aren't we all supposed to celebrate differences instead of walking around on eggshells?

I want to be respectful of everyone and I sometimes have curiosity if someone uses a word that I am not familiar with, or refers to people "back at home" and I wonder where "home" is, and so forth. (I would wonder the same if the person appeared completely “white,” too.)

And so, I follow up where there is a normal flow of conversation. If someone says, "Back in my home country..." I'll ask, "Oh, what is your home country?" (using the exact language they used.)

Or if someone has an accent or beautiful eyes or stunning hair, I'll complement them.

One of the most beautiful women I met had green eyes, blonde textured hair, and extremely dark skin. The contrast was so gorgeous. She had ancestry in Ireland, India, and Africa.

(Oh, and my "great-great-grandparents came from Norway to farm acres of corn and bring lutefisk to the New World" but the kids in my elementary school class just wondered why I have a "pig nose.")

I have a good (very white, blonde-haired, blue-eyed) friend who married an African-American man. When she gave birth to their very light (but with very black hair) son, her clueless mother remarked, "Wow! I didn't know all babies come out white!"

[Liz Ditz]

Grace, I've been thinking about this issue but too busy to write carefully. Meanwhile, at CottonTimer, Hsien Hsien Lei asks the same question:

http://www.cottontimer.com/2007/03/21/is-it-so-bad-to-mention-someones-ethnicity/

Is It So Bad To Mention Someone's Ethnicity?

At the risk of getting trashed myself, I’m going to stick up for Alister, who probably has a harder time defending himself in the ethnic wars because he’s a white male. I’m a Chinese-American woman with a very Chinese name. (Hsien-Hsien Lei. Bet you don’t even know how to pronounce it. ;) And don’t forget the Dr.!) I have a good grasp of the English language, if I may say so myself, but in the online environment, I am certain that many people who first come across my name immediately think “FOB - fresh off the boat.” Fortunately, most give me the benefit of the doubt once they read my work, but it’s a fact of life that we are judged by our appearance and our names and ethnicity are part of that.

[blogversary]

Thank you Grace! For writing on interesting topics and something that we all should think about whatever part of the country we live in.

[Donna]

I do tend to ask folks what their ethnicity is (and I think I may have used the word "heritage") -- but only when I like them and want to learn more about them and have already gotten to know them somewhat.

To be honest, when I met you, your ethnicity never crossed my mind. I just thought you were cool. (And I was probably dazzled by those incredible cheekbones.)

As for me: Caucasian. Sephardic Jewish. Cuban by way of Turkey. On my mom's side.

[Eddie]

Hi Grace. That post was really really good...except I didn't care for the Bering Strait stuff.

Lots of holes in the theory -- it's a good 'ol boys way of thinking. Put the white anthros and archaeos works down, and start with Vine Deloria's Red Earth, White Lies.

Tell the family I said hi. Always fun to stop by the blog and check up!!

[Lee]

I never ask anyone personal questions if I don't know them. If, as has already been said, I am getting to know them I would ask as part of a conversation about where they grew up, their family etc. And it would not be the first question up. It is also not the first thing I want to know, by a long shot.

[Ham_I_Am]

First time here, GREAT post!!

I am like Chris and totally white bread - but grew up in an area that was very ethnically mixed, particularly among my Asian friends who came from the Phillippines, Korea, China, Cambodia (or is it Laos now??) and Vietnam. And growing up with such a mix, it was rude NOT to ask, as the alternative was to assume they were all Chinese - that's not fun either.

I think the same can be said for people within a broad ethnic classification as well. Whites are lumped into a vast "generic" category, when different backgrounds abound; Nordic, Mediterranean, Anglo (my Irish family hates to say they are *just* white, they are Irish damnit! ;) ) and silent assumptions can hold just as much (or more) ignorance than the dummies who insensitively voice theirs.

[Leo]

As the white parent of a mixed race child, (African/American--that is, Ugandan and White American) I watch him get a lot of this. no one asks me "What are you?" They look at me, see white and assume I'm "normal." But they look at him and either see "black" or "???!!!"
And they really can't figure us out when we're together. No, he is not adopted. Yes, white people can have very dark brown children.

The question for me is "Why do you want to know?" Do you want to stick my son in your oversimplified categories so you can treat him acccordingly? Then **** you. Are you curious b/c he must have an interesting and unique story? Then ask, but ask gently, after you've known us for a while.

Worst story: White person approaches me and says, "How brave of you to adopt a black boy!" I say,(teeth gritted) "He's not adopted. He is my child." White person calls across room to coworker, "Hey! Can you believe it? That's HIS child! His flesh and blood!"

Sigh.

[JDY]

It's interesting to read all of this. There are so many different things to address on this subject; perceived racism, the one bad apple syndrome or everyone is the same.

I am a naturally curious person and LOVE to hear about where everyone comes from. I believe you get more accurate information in hearing from those that live in different countries what things are like than the media. I think it's so interesting to hear about people from Nigeria and what it's like to live there or people from Israel and what that's like. I've learned more from people that way than in any other way. I also embrace diversity whole heartedly and what better way to embrace it than to learn about it and talk about it openly. That's what makes it so neat to get to know people, because we are all different.

I get a charge out of hearing about people that travel around the world and get a charge out of hearing about people who live in Sudan and those that sky dive. It's all interesting and makes us different and makes the world exciting. I love all of the differences in people and talking about it. Accountants vs. Doctors vs. Police is also very exciting. It makes us all different. It makes traveling to different places a fantastic experience as well. Who wants to travel to another USA? I want to see the beauties of the vineyards of Italy and the fanstic fashions of italian women, the mountains and animals and tribes of Africa and the neat eclecticness of Kuwait.

However.... the problem comes in as to where are you from and we can't answer it because we are offended? What a bunch of mumbo jumbo. Where we are from or our story makes life so kool. Whether it's adoption or not adoption or a cultural mix that defines us, it's our story and our stories are so incredibly kool and makes life worth talking about.

Is it such a big secret that your skin is a different color than someone else's? I don't think so. If it was supposed to be a big secret, we'd all be blind or we'd all be the color of clear. Why is it so tabu? We all have a history of some sort and it has negativity. Whether you are Catholic, Black, Jewish, Italian, German, American, Japanese....you have a negative part in your history. I have to hope we are moving past it, at least in my generation....a child of the baby boomers.

I want to see us let a lot of this over the next ten or so years. My friends, who are Black, Hispanic, Jewish, Rich and Poor have. We are sick of all of this.

I don't have a thought one way or the other about someone because of the color of their skin or where they are from. I think it's neat and I embrace the differences... but you can't talk about it because someone will get offended. I say then, everyone move to Africa then and change your name to Peanut and color your skin purple. Then...we have nothing to talk about and can call live in one big, boring bubble.

I hear some of you in that it's annoying in terms of how people ask the question. However, I would say...just tell them what sounds better. There are a lot of sweet people like me that just don't know that something sounds offensive. It doesn't make us stupid or lazy or ignorant, just makes us innocently curious.

[shaunna]

hi, grace, great post hope all's well.

back in the day in post-ww2 so cal that was a question you'd get on the playground - among the white kids. is it a quintessential american question? my country of origin is better than your country of origin. who knows? i only know that it became harder to blow off the sort of people who it mattered to after having my children.

their father is mexican-american. there are times when i became confrontational when i felt racism was thrown their way. when i lived in southern oregon i was asked where i adopted my son, or what tribe he belonged to. this was done with a certain superiority and mean-spiritness, not convivial interest. i couldn't stand it.

even in this so cal coastal climate where that sort of racism isn't as blatant i had to intervene when my daughter was in the first grade and she was told by a fellow student that the police were going to round her up and send her back to mexico - and reduced her to tears and called her a liar when she told them her dad's family had always lived right here. not that it matters. when i requested her school intervene i got a mild "well, they hear that at home," and i retorted, "well, then, perhaps you should advise here what's wrong with that type of remark," and the erring child apologized and wrote in wobbling printing why it was wrong.

sigh.

i will say that it isn't just whites with that type of mentality. i've seen/experienced the same kind of thing within the mexican, chinese, and hawaiian communities that are part of my family. i've heard very racist remarks while being assured that i am not in the same category.

last thought(s), my daughter tells me that she's had plenty of whites (particularly in pc nor cal) who are disbelieving when she tells them she's mexican - but she's never met a mexican who took her for white.

and in europe (where she's studying) the international students find it peculiar and noteworthy that when they ask "where are you from?" all the californians answer, "california," never "america."

peace out.

[Nenni]

This was as fun reading the comments as the post. I think it's okay to ask people about themselves, as long as it's done with courtesy and sensitivity. There can be good reasons, socially, to want to know about someone's ethnicity -- some ethnic groups are enemies (Armenians vs. Turks for example) and it might cause offense to mistake one for the other.
People don't often ask me what I "am", but whenever the topic does come up with people who don't know, they seem to be willing to accept me in a much wider range of ethnicities than I would imagine. All I "am" is white and some Native American and feel as common as a rock, but people can get quite creative with it.
What I really abhor is racism and when certain groups see ethnic diversities or mixes as some kind of taint. It's snobbery of the worst sort.

[sherry]

This was very thought-provoking. I tend to be light and fluffy on my blog most times, but I tackled this tonight. Thanks for making me think a little!

[Christy]

Leslie said, "I was raised not to ask strangers personal questions simply because it was rude." I completely agree. I would no more ask anyone their heritage than I would ask what their father did for a living, or where they went to church (or if they went to church), or their annual income. It's just bad manners. And really, it's not germane to most conversations. Mere curiosity is not a good enough reason to risk making another person uncomfortable.

If the topic comes up in conversation, then it's fine to explore it! Example: "My mom makes the best insertethnicdish." Of course, that would bring up the topic of ethnicity for discussion.

I'd also like to note that we all have heritage - even us pale caucasions. If someone were to assume that I'm "anglo" simply because I'm not hispanic, I'd probably have a few choice words to say. ;) The patchwork of the world is incredibly rich, thank goodness!

[Kathy]

I agree with Sherry. I don't think it's appropriate to ask unless you know someone pretty well. And by that point, hopefully you either know a bit about where they're from, or you've gone beyond that stage of needing to define someone by their heritage/ethnicity/race/whatever. Otherwise, you take the risk of having your question misunderstood as bigotry (which maybe it is) or pure and simple nosiness.

On the other hand, if you have a keen interest in a specific country/culture/ethnicity and you have good reason to believe someone is from there, then there are good ways to pose the question. Like, "You wouldn't happen to be from Romania would you? I've never seen the name Petru anywhere else." But still, why let your curiosity put someone else ill at ease?

[Kathy]

whoops! meant to say above that I agree with Christy. scatterbrained.

[NeedlessThinker]

I usually am pretty comfortable asking people this because it's just curiousity on my part. However I don't ask total strangers any more than I would go up to a total stranger and ask them what size shoe they wear: None of my business.
I have to say I can only think of one time I wish I'd asked someone, but did not. There was a woman my age who used to work in our office here, and she left soon after I started, so I never got to know her well enough to feel comfortable asking her her racial background.
But she was just *gorgeous*. Drop-dead model gorgeous, and *tall*. The height along with her general features made me think she possibly had some polynesian background, but I just couldn't tell. Beautiful girl though. If I'd ever had the chance to exchange more than 5 words with her maybe I would have. Maybe I should have tried something off the wall like, "I just wonder what race you are so I can find someone of that same race to father my children someday."

[Yemi]

I never mind being asked. I am Ethiopian and when I lived in the US, a lot of people used to ask about my "background".

I am now married to a caucasian man and we have a son together. We live in China where everywhere we go, people stare at us.

I wonder what my son's future experience will be when it comes to race.

[Dayjamas]

Just found your blog and loved the post!

I’m a fifth generation Asian-American (Chinese, Japanese, and a smidge of Irish) with a Jewish husband and a hapa daughter. This is a very interesting topic for me.

I don’t mind being asked about my ethnicity or heritage, as long as it’s approached with sensitivity. If someone asks, “where are you from (California), no, I mean where are you really from?” or “You Chinese?!” (usually the guy at the Chinese restaurant) be prepared for a little lecture or a smart ass remark. I just can’t help myself.

I don’t ask other people about their racial backgrounds very often because I honestly don’t think about it that much unless they have a strong accent. Then I might ask them where they’re originally from, just out of curiosity, since it’s obvious they’re from someplace else. Or, if I know someone fairly well and they make references to their culture, I might ask them about their “ethnicity.”

Reading this post reminded me of a story my aunt, who is 4th gen. Chinese-American and in her 70’s, told recently at a family gathering. She was standing in line at Disney World when a Caucasian woman asked her if she was an Eskimo. My aunt was completely shocked and let out a good laugh. The woman was embarrassed and told her that she’d never seen anyone like her before, to which my aunt replied, “where are you from?” The woman said she was from Staten Island. “For god’s sake,” she said, “you live right across the river from Manhattan and you’ve never seen anyone like me before?!”

[JDY]

Despite my last reply, I don't go around asking people where they are from unless we happen to be in conversation about something else or, as some of you have said, they have an accent. I usually pose, where are you from? It usually starts a great conversation.

I lived in Europe and was asked the question many, many times. Didn't both me at all but then....I haven't had an uncomfortable experience with it like some people replying here.

Racism and prejudice have NO room in my world.

[Kim]

Sometimes the question truly is innocent. I'm a typical white-American. My husband is from Europe, and is clearly white. We were one of the first people to buy a home in a new development. It is a typical McMansion type development, with a rather diverse population. The last house on our cul-de-sac was sold to a family that appeared to be Southeast Asian.
We were trying to be friendly and asked "where are you from?" What we meant was, where did you live before coming here, another neighborhood, another town, whatever. I think he heard "what is your race" because he got a funny look on his face and said "India." My husband wasn't as clued into the race politics in America and gave the poor guy a quizzical look and said, "no, where did you live before moving here?"
I think the neighbor understood that we weren't being cluelessly nosey -- but I'm not sure.

[Velva]

I find this question very interesting because I get it frequently and I'm very clearly Anglo and also a third generation Californian. And yet, I get asked if I am British because I pronounce words very carefully, Swedish because I have high cheekbones, and Russian because... I dunno. I look Slavic to some people.

I think that some people ask out of curiousity, and some ask because they are interested in catagorizing people.

[crystal]

My husband is 1rst generation American and his parents moved over from India in the 60's after they were married. I'm something like 5th generation American (mixed various western european stuff that no one really knows anymore). We don't have kids yet, but I'm actually the one more interested in passing the Indian heritage on of the two of us. Mostly because I feel like my ethnic heritage is so disparate and disconnected that I really can't.

Do I ask--definitely. I'm a teacher, and my "black" students most often identify as hispanic because their parents are dominican or puerto rican, etc. If I called a Latino kid black, I'd lose a lot of credit and trust with them. They trust me to understand and value where their families are from, regardless of their connection with that place.

How do I ask-Well, when it's my students at the start of the year, I ask them to tell me about their family background, including their cultural heritage. Because my last name is Indian, it possibly gives me more of an opening, since most of them upon hearing my name were not necessarily expecting to walk in and see a white girl. I don't tend to ask random strangers, although I've been talking to someone and commented that they had a gorgeous accent, which usually allows them to choose how much to share or not, and I respect the boundaries that I perceive to be there. With friends, it generally comes up in the getting to know you stuff.

If I perceive someone as not open, I'll hesitate. Ethnicity can be sensitive. I know I dread the day someone asks me or my husband if our future kids are ours (or make assumptions or whatever) and I'm tempted to rip their arm off and beat them with it (but won't because that would teach my kids bad manners).

My husband is pretty easy going. He's generally baffled though when someone tries to peg his ethnicity and comes up with Mexican. People have started speaking spanish to him and he tries to be polite and answer them in his rusty high school barely recalled Spanish. What really bugs him is when Indians expect him to be more Indian---he's completely Americanized and doesn't like Indian clothes/music/food/fillintheblank. His parents have actually commented that it's a good thing one of us is Indian (meaning me as I do like the music/food/etc) ;)