Forgiveness where it belongs.

This is not a pretty bit of sentimental Mothers Day writing here, friends.  It's jarring - I'm jumping from cheerful little posts about dogs in strollers to the dark side. 

But, that's the way it goes with me- scratch the upbeat, cheerful surface and you uncover my hurt and pain, many layers deep. 

And, that's the way it goes with survivors of parental child abuse, most especially on Hallmark sanctioned holidays like today, this thing called Mothers Day.  The hurt and pain rises, breaking through the happy top layer like an angry pustule.  I hate today almost as much as I hate another day, Fathers Day.  I used to hate Fathers Day much more, but my precious child Molly chose Fathers Day 1991 as her birthday.

(Yes, I do believe Molly "chose" the day, that her spirit came into my life knowing that Fathers Day has always been gut wrenching awful for me.   I think this is how the spirit works, healing and creating transformation with an uncanny intelligence.)

So, today's going to be a rough ride, even though my own motherhood will be celebrated, treated and feted in Molly's sweet and wonderful way.  George's kids will also call at some point, showering me with their loving kindness.  There will be many blessings amid the shadows and ghosts.

I've held my breath pounding on the keyboard sending my truth off in blog posts to everywhere and everyone out there.  It's scary as shit but I click on the "publish" link, "feeling the fear but doing it anyway."

But I'm not scared in tapping out this entry, for today I want to be a warrior in the service of my sisters and brothers, - adult child abuse survivors.   

I have a message for you, dear ones.  It's radical and some people who have not been through what we suffered as children may not appreciate it.  Indeed, they may be angry at me in sharing this truth with you, something that I believe with all of my heart, mind and soul:

My message:  You don't have to forgive your perpetrator.

And:  Forgiving your abuser is not necessary to achieve healing.

Forgiving those who criminally damaged and ravaged us is optional in moving on and living a fulfilling life. 

If there is forgiveness to be offered, extend it to yourself. 

Forgive yourself for being young, vulnerable, frightened, unable to take action, unable to move from where you were standing, sitting or lying down as you were being molested, beaten and berated.

Forgive yourself for doing drugs, drinking too much, being promiscuous, giving yourself away.

Forgive yourself for flunking classes, not finishing college, not pushing yourself at work, not wanting to be ambitious, giving up.

Forgive yourself for having to be perfect in school, overworking and overachieving at the expense of your health and well being.

Forgive yourself for alienating your body, starving it, overfeeding it, not honoring it by exercising, being careless with your body for exercising it excessively.

Forgive yourself for the bad choices in partners, the fights, the break-ups, the divorces, the difficulty in maintaining relationships.

Forgive yourself for your fears as a parent, or your fear in becoming a parent. 

Forgive yourself for yelling at your crying kids so much you want to smack their faces and shake them.  Then, forgive yourself for leaving them in the other room, crying and hollering, while you call the parent stress hotline .

Forgive yourself for having depression, post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, dissociative disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder.  Forgive yourself for seeking help, taking medication, going to therapy, admitting yourself to the hospital.

Forgive yourself for feeling shame.

Forgive yourself for hating yourself.

Forgive yourself.  You're the one who deserves it. 

In solidarity with my fellow survivors,
And love to all,
GraceD

Comments

[Elizabeth]

Oh Grace, wow. Reading that post, I could feel like, waves of...something...coming off the page right at me. I don't write about my Mother, for a lot of reasons. I wasn't physically abused, but there was other kinds of neglect, and it hurts.

I feel safe here, so I hope you don't mind my writing this. My biological mother died shortly after giving birth to me. My adoptive mother died of congestive heart failure in 1997. My mother in law drank herself to death last year. I am truly motherless, and that hurts too. Mother's Day is about ME, and no one else in my life, and that is hard. But not as hard as what you have to live with, not even close. You do so much good in the world, as a person, as a friend, as a mother. And now here you are reaching out to other abuse survivors, trying to help them heal and move on. You amaze me, Grace, and I am proud to call you friend.

Love,
Elizabeth

[Debra Roby]

Thank you Grace. I've spent a week telling my father's voice to shut up and go away. He's quieter and I'm learning to speak louder than he. I won't even acknowledge my mother's voice...

I am working on the forgiveness thing big time this year. Because I finally get that I'm worth it.

[rebecca]

Thank you.

rebecca

[chris]

Excellent post, grace.

love you my sistah-friend

[margalit]

Thank you Grace. I needed that today. It was another horrible Mother's Day. Why I even hope that it will be better is beyond me. I know it will always suck.

[Marilyn]

Powerful, powerful post, Grace. I tried to write about forgiveness yesterday, but reading this made me realize that I'm always so focused on forgiving outside myself that I almost always forget about self-forgiveness. Thanks for the powerful reminder.

[Janeen]

Much love to you, dear Grace.

[coolbeans]

Thank you, Grace.

[Leslie]

Dear Grace,

Thank you once again for your courage, insight, empathy, and compassion.

Before I had kids, I always refrained from passing judgement on my parents. After I became a mom, I NEVER understood how my parents thought it was ok lash out at us with fists and vile words. Or to spend our college money on vacations, clothes and cars.

I look at my own children, and I love them so much, I can't imagine treating them that way, or them not being the first priority in my life.

God bless Grace, you absolutely made my day.

[ozma]

Oh, this is so hard. But I am trying.

[cursingmama]

Blessings to you Grace and the wisdom of your words.
Namaste.

[becky(priss/lola)]

you are amazing, grace. i hope to meet you and give you a big hug at blogher.

thank you for your strong voice. sometimes i get tired of speaking up as a feminist. you remind me to keep going. thank you.

[Kris]

Grace, thank you for bringing this aspect of being a survivor to the front of my brain. I had never thought about it this way...but I now realize that a big reason I have come out of this situation as successfully as I have is because so very early on I realized that I was not to blame. That I was in every way a victim and that there is nothing that I could have done differently to keep this from happening.

I don't blame myself, I don't even blame my Mother (every situation is different). I do, however blame the a*shole who did this to me (my step-father) and I blame his parents for having raised him in such a dis-functional abusive way to begin with.

So for me, there is no one to forgive anymore. I forgive myself for my imperfections...but then shouldn't we all?

Peace to you my dear. And I thank you for your courage.

[Carol Elaine]

Thank you for that, Grace. Thank you.

[Victoria Marinelli]

Two responses:

1) Your first name is so apt.
2) You are too cool for school.

(No wait, you're in school now, that's right... I mean, you're the cat's pajama's. Or the dog's. WHATEVER.)

Anyway, kudos. Hovering just above the 'flatline' myself or would write more.

[Lin]

Thank you, Grace. I have sent your beautiful words off to a few friends who I really feel will benefit from their reading.

[Sara Dawp]

Grace, you made me cry.

Thank you.

[meeta]

I tried so many times yesterday to leave you a comment and it was just acting up.
But I wanted to say thank you so much Grace. I admire you for your courage to be able to talk about what you have been through and I give you mad props for it. I hope to get to that point sometime. But in the meantime...thank you.

[SusieJ]

Thanks for writing this. Happy Mother's Day.

[leahpeah]

oh, grace. beautifully written, as always. love you so much. hugs.
xoxo

[Kris]

Beautiful post. I agree with waht Elizabeth said, " I could feel like, waves of...something...coming off the page right at me. " Thank you.

[Glennia]

No words. Just love to you. Lots and lots of love to you.

[Kristina]

I'd never thought to forgive myself...

Thank you.

[Gary D.]

excellent.....the abuse took the life out of me and us at a young age...it took tremedous strength to make a life..40 plus years later and still feel the pain and affects of abuse.

[Sylvia Paull]

Thanks so much for coming to the Cybersalon last night, Grace, and also bringing a bevy of Bloghers. You certainly know how to embrace the positive and powerful in life. You are Mother Courage, the mother of us all, and our sister, too.

Love,
Sylvia