Disaster Management

I'm back home in Santa Cruz.  In truth, I've been back for a week.  Once again, I did not fall into the abyss. But you, my Dollin Readers whose generous attention you shower upon this humble bit of bandwidth, knew that I'd be back.  Thus, here I am.  And, so, hello.  Again.  Good to see you.  I missed you.

I've been thinking about the recent natural disasters a seemingly angry earth has released upon its inhabitants.  I've been thinking that my problems are nothing next to those of the disaster's victims.  That may be true, but that should not distract me from my ongoing work in therapy.  I need to reinforce that truth to myself, hence this blog post. 

I also want to reinforce that truth with my Dearest of All My Dear Readers, any of you who are survivors of child abuse, or depressed, or undergoing a crisis of heart and/or soul - anyone who is working on their stuff like I am and who feel like their problems in the face of all this chaos are nothing.  These issues, our issues, are important and you must continue your work of seeking enlightenment and freedom from your pain.

But, it's easy to get overwhelmed with the suffering of others.  I certainly am.  What happens is that I identify with the victims and see the parallels of their life with mine.  Then I slap myself silly for thinking that my lot may be half as bad, even one/millionth as bad.  Then, I'm back to square one, where I'm feeling like a shit and loathing myself for breathing.

What it's like for me:

This morning  I woke up to the clock radio tuned to NPR news.  The reports from correspondents in China described the  earthquake's devastation as so utter and complete, I couldn't move.  I went perfectly still. I listened to the stories of mothers wailing at the site of a school collapse, their children under the crush, broken, suffering or dead.  Residents refusing to sleep in their homes, fearful of the aftershocks, and setting up camp in parks and the center of traffic roundabouts.  Chaos and destruction many times worse than what I experienced in the Loma Prieta quake of 1989 which killed 67 people.  The 7.8 quake in the Sichuan province has claimed 12,000 by official count, but doubtless will rise to at least 20,000 deaths.

Then, the NPR story segues to Myanmar and the chaos and destruction there, made worse exponentially by a totalitarian government's refusal for international aid.  Most survivors have no food, clean drinking water and shelter.  Bodies bloat and rot in the rivers.  The estimated death toll will likely climb to a million people.

By this time, I had to get up and out of my stillness, start my day and remember to maintain a balanced perspective. I  know I can become completely obsessed with a disaster half a world away.  Glued to CNN with the laptop teetering on my thighs, clicking to the BBC, New York Times and the rest of my news bookmarks, I plug myself into the news feed of  storm/quake/terrorist bombings.  It's my subconscious in overtime, in trying to get any and all information so I can gain mastery of the trauma.  If I have that knowledge, then there's control.  If I have control, then I won't be fearful. 

And this is an analogy to the biggest task I've undertaken -  examining my life thoroughly, getting  information so I can gain mastery of my own background of trauma.  But, rather than simply gathering the facts as I do during a disaster, the job in uncovering the truth about myself involves compassion that I would rather extend to grief stricken mothers in China and Burma.  I have to work very, very hard to tap that place of mercy and sympathy and give it to myself.  Why should I be focused on abuse that happened years ago to me as a teen/girl/baby, while these Chinese and Burmese mothers - and fathers, siblings, cousins, friends - are  sorting through the rubble, desperately looking for signs of life?

The answer to that is many fold, but I can sum it up with a twist on a Buddhist precept:

Save all sentient beings. And, start with yourself.

That's hard to get, especially for women.  We women put off our happiness.  We risk our health.  We place ourselves last.  For those of us who are survivors of child abuse, we're downright professional at self-neglect.   Why should we care about ourselves when those who should have cared for us fucked up the job?  If you're like me, that's an old imprint, one that's currently taking time, energy, money and patience from my family to erase in therapy. 

But, reclaiming my self worth at this point in my life is necessary on a critical, if not emergency level.  I've wasted a lot of time feeling stuck and defeated.  This doesn't work anymore (and, really, it never did).  I want to be fully functioning, I need and deserve to be whole. 

This seems easy for a comfortable American middle class woman to say on her blog.  At least I have food, at least I have clean water.    Not only do I have electricity, but I have a phone connection and this laptop, so at least I'm in communication with the world.  I'm not waiting for the high energy biscuits and water to be air dropped from a UN plane and I'm not looking at a heap of concrete blocks where my apartment used to be.  But, because I'm in this position of relative luxury, I owe it to myself to take advantage of the resources at my reach to help heal my own PTSD.  I owe it to the world to heal myself as the planet can use more  healthy, whole and loving folks. 

So, shout out to all of you in the struggle to attain self.  Don't stop, you're important. The world needs a healthy, whole and loving you.

Comments

[cursingmama]

So beautifully said Grace.

Like you I have a tendency to become obsessive about tragedies & news and politics to a point that is unhealthy. When the cyclone hit Myanmar I decided the best thing I could do was to choose 1 charity to promote & give that front & center attention on my blog.
I still read the news and I still hurt with the stories, but I am keeping myself healthy by not letting it consume me.

Stay strong. I'm thinking of you on your journey.

[Joe]

Good for you is good. Good for the world is good too, but always must come second.

Rock on.

[Divina]

Hugs to you, Grace. You have a kind and compassionate heart, and it's good that you are looking at focusing that heart on yourself, for once. Much love.

[Bakerina]

I have written and erased and written and erased and all that is left is thank you, Grace. I hope that I am conveying to you how much I mean it, how deeply I feel it, and how honored I am, now more than ever, to be in the same universe that has you in it. Thank you, Grace.

[nakedjen]

You always, always, always rock my world.

And you just did it again.

Carry on. You're doing absolutely exactly what you're supposed to be doing.

Love.

[Heidi]

Yo Grace, you might want to choose a different radio station to wake up to. One should re-enter the realm of wakefulness gently, not to news of natural disasters.

[AmyD]

Been reading you for a couple of years now. I rarely comment (sorry). But, I just wanted to say that this post is so true and so amazing.

Thanks for writing it.

[Crys]

all pain is relative to the person experiencing it. that my pain is greater in degree than your pain does not negate that pain is a factor in both of our lives.

"I do not take a single newspaper, nor read one a month, and I feel myself infinitely the happier for it. Thomas Jefferson

"You know, all mystics - Catholic, Christian, non-Christian, no matter what their theology, no matter what their religion - are unanimous on one thing: that all is well, all is well. Though everything is a mess, all is well. Strange paradox, to be sure. But, tragically, most people never get to see that all is well because they are asleep. They are having a nightmare." Anthony De Mello

[Crys]

...that is not to say my pain *is* greater; i only meant to agree that your pain and your journey is imminently germane and important, because *you* are the one experiencing it.

same with me. same with all of us.

Peace!

[Marie]

Good on ya, Grace! Self-healing is sometimes even harder than addressing the world's problems. Your evoking the Buddhist precept makes me smile, and reminds me to take that to heart...yet again.

[Sarah B]

Grace, you are just so amazing. I love checking into your blog. From one marathoner to another, I'm sure you know the most basic, important thing about the race: don't quit. Some miles you just barely chug through and others are glorious. They are all a part of the same race and if there is one thing I have learned about you it is that you never quit. Keep chugging, plugging, and taking care of yourself along this journey. The people offering gatorade and cheering didn't come out for nothin'...you're something special, Marathon Mom.

[Miss Grace]

And then we had to have a natural disaster right here at home. I couldn't believe seeing my own tiny tiny town on CNN. Who's ever heard of Corralitos I ask you?? But it did offer me some perspective. Especially when my childhood home was spared at the cost of my childhood friend's.

Sigh.

[Heather]

I come to you from Journey Mama's site. And all I can say is "wow." I am, in some ways, experiencing the exact same thing right now: major depression/anxiety, getting stuck in bad memories, and a complete lack of self-esteem. I'm trying to learn to be at peace with it all. I'm reading alot of Buddhist philosophy and it really resonates with me. Thank you for your honesty and your wonderful writing.