Here's One Way to Overcome the Election Jitters

Boy howdy, let me tell you dollins, there's really nothing like a set of bad bones to keep one distracted from the long national nightmare of this election season.  My inner pragmatic side (who looks like a dour librarian with sensible shoes and a straight line for a mouth) shakes me by the chin and tells me I'm lucky to be focused on pain rather than Palin.  She's right, but what a price to pay to get my mind off that "whack job" from Alaska.

Are you nervous about the election outcome?  Clearly, I'm way nervous, despite the polls and endorsements.  I am a lifelong Democrat who is used to getting fucked over, especially in the last 8 years. Why? One word - chads.  Further translation - Something's going to happen in the election process/machines/vote counting/you name it, it could happen.

Before the hip thing came to the forefront of all I see and do, I was trying to figure out a way to spare myself the dread and anxiety I know I'll be under on the night of November 4th, 2008.  I don't know if I can bear it without ruining myself with drink and drugs.  My immediate circle of support will be unavailable - hubs will be away on another business trip and the kid will be at work.  My dog Malcolm won't care because he's British and he just laughs at us Americans. I can't go out because my level of anxiety turns me into a social pariah, unfit to be anywhere in public, much less a friend's house.  I considered other election night avoidance strategies including - Shun all media and go camping in the Sierras, just the British dog and me. Sign up for a Zen sesshin. Arrange to be cryofrozen and have Molly defrost my ass on November 7th.  That last option would provide the extra bonus of alleviating my hot flashes.

But, no, the gods granted me another way out - hip dysplasia that has always been around, but not evident and acute until this past month, and maybe, when I think about it, the last five years.

Here's the deal - in training for my two marathons, hiking up Half Dome three years in a row, doing a Bikram Yoga practice, all the Jack Russell Terrier wrangling, parenting a teen and a long list of many rigorous activities I perform regularly, my right leg has always been a little wonky.  Now and again, that leg will "go out", feeling like it extended another 5 inches more in my stride.  It wasn't necessarily painful, more alarming than anything else, and I lived with it thinking I was just weirder than most.

As I whined in a previous post, my hips have been more funky and painful in the last month.  For several nights, I had pain in my right hip, groin and thigh so savage, it woke me up multiple times from my usual death-like sleep.   Sometimes I'll take a step that will turn my right leg inward and I'll yelp in agony.  I'm limping and staggering.  I'm a mess.

After a series of x-rays and an appointment with a very nice and accomplished Stanford orthopedic surgeon earlier this week, hip dysplasia and that blasted greater trochanteric fracture was officially diagnosed.  The fracture is not as critical an issue as the dysplasia - meaning that the ball at the top of both my left and right femurs do not fit entirely into my pelvic sockets.  Dr. Google has informed me that this shows up in folks, mostly women, in their 30s and 40s.  I feel strangely proud that this anomoly is just now showing up in my 50s.

The orthopedic clinic experience was excellent.  I'm also convinced I have identified a fine health care  provider:  During the exam, the very nice orthopedic surgeon laughed when I blurted out loud and without warning that I could see the face of Jesus lovingly gazing back at me in the x-rays.  The doc's wr ylaugh confirmed that I have found a doctor with my kind of bedside manner.

The MRI, provisionally scheduled for Saturday, has been moved up to tomorrow.  I have asked for IV sedation because I ask you, how often do we get that extraordinary opportunity? After that's done, we'll discuss the next steps which will be surgery.  In fact, if there's any doubt on anyone's part, I will insist on surgery as the conservative, non-surgical  approach is to (1) Cut back, way back, on physical activity; (2) Lose as much weight as possible - and the only way I can do that successfully is to exercise so that's out; (3) Wait it out until the pain becomes too unbearable - which it is now.

Fuggit, I say, fuggit! Slice on into my funky hips and shave the bones and/or stick in titanium parts! I need to get back in the yoga studio! I need to run! And, I want to be bionic!

Timing for surgery? Unknown, though I would like to plan it for Christmas break. Santa can drop off some helpful elves for my present.

Okay, I have many questions for you dollins.  The only surgery I've had was oral surgery. I've never had an extended stay in the hospital.  In anticipation and preparedness, I'd like to ask you  what I should expect and how I could get ready.  Should I buy nice pajamas? I sleep in my husband's tee shirts, so I'll bet that will be a resounding "yes".  I also wear his old bathrobe, should I invest in a robe, too? Or, will I have to wear those hospital gowns that will have my middle age butt flapping down the hall as I walk around with my IV pole?  Is there any such thing as a hospital survival kit and what should this include? An iPod, probably. Is it true that stitches itch? Will I get to use that push button thingy that pumps more pain killing drugs into my IV line?  Do hospitals have turndown services with a chocolate placed on my pillow? No? Speaking of chocolates, should I spring for a bigass box of See's for the nurses so they'll be incentivized to jump every time I ring my summons bell?

Now, I want some chocolate.

Comments

[v]

I couldn't stand the wait, so I voted early today. Now, though, I think I'm going to be even more anxious for the next week (or longer, depending on how long it takes to actually sort out who will be our next president and vice president). I'm tempted to invite people over to watch the results, but I might become an angry mess if, again, the outcome isn't what I voted for.

As for the hospital stay, bring basic toiletries (seems obvious, but it'd suck to forget them). Some of your own clothes would be nice (you might still have to wear the gown on top, but pants to cover your backside would be nice). The iPod's a good idea, but they might have you sign a form saying that you'll keep your valuables at home. Reading material, cards, crossword puzzles, etc, then, would be nice.

Good luck with the surgery.

[Elkit]

I vote yes on pajamas and iPod and everything that v said. Also, let us know where you'll be when, so we can visit you and tell you silly stories and bring tasty treats from your favorite food and drink purveyors.

Good luck with all of that!

[julie]

The only times I have been in the hospital has been to have my babies. I was just calling for more ice packs for my poor girl parts.

Ask if they will let you use your cell phone. Some hospitals won't at all. You may need a phone card to pay for long distance calls, if you plan to make any.

Hospital food sucks. Bring some snacks, or have the hubs bring take out.

Your own shampoo/soap etc. The hospital stuff is awful and the tp is scratchy (although that may have been the condition of my parts, come to think of it).

[nakedjen]

what you need, more than anything, is an advocate. i'm very serious about this. and i volunteer.

plus you do want someone to be able to run about and get you the things you REALLY want. when i had my brain surgery (and was at Hopkins for a month) i wanted nothing more than someone to bring me REAL FOOD please. and organic lemonade.

so i will do that. as well as ask all those questions that must be asked.

most hospitals now have wi-fi. so bring your laptop! we want you to blog this operation!

[Amanda]

Reading this, I just remembered that the year my father had his hip replacement was also an election year. It was excellent timing for him to lay in bed and watch C-SPAN all day!

It's been a long time, but I remember that the surgery itself was long, but they gave him an epidural, so it wasn't particularly painful until he was out of the hospital. Then the hardest part was not being able to go up and down the stairs for several weeks. My parents have a reverse two story house and he was stuck downstairs for a while. They had to have the house equipped with ramps until he moved from a wheelchair to a walker. My guess is that it took him a little longer than 6 months to get back to 100%, but he wasn't the yogi that you are and he neglected his physical therapy in favor of working.

You're in great shape, Grace, so this is going to be a BREEZE for you. And totally worth it. Like I said on Flickr, my dad has zero hip pain anymore and before the surgery he was taking Advil just to be able to walk.

[gwendomama]

I HAVE NEVER HAD SURGERY BUT I HAVE HAD SOME BABEEZ IN THE HOSPITAL.

Or, will I have to wear those hospital gowns that will have my middle age butt flapping down the hall as I walk around with my IV pole?

YES, YOU WILL.

Is there any such thing as a hospital survival kit and what should this include? An iPod, probably.

YES. AND LOLLIPOPS. AND FRIENDS TO BRING YOU CUPCAKES AND SO FORTH.

Is it true that stitches itch?

YES, SAID MY SPECIAL LADEE PARTS (BABEEZ)

Will I get to use that push button thingy that pumps more pain killing drugs into my IV line?
IF NOT, I WOULD SWITCH DOCTORS NOW, PRONTO!!

Do hospitals have turndown services with a chocolate placed on my pillow?
NO. YOU GET DRUGS, COME ON. FOOD? EES NO GOOD THERE.
No? Speaking of chocolates, should I spring for a bigass box of See's for the nurses so they'll be incentivized to jump every time I ring my summons bell?

YES, YES YES YES YES YES YES.
SERIOUSLY. THE BIGGEST.

[Kirsten]

Grace, sorry about your pain and election induced anxiety. For the hospital stay I would suggest all that's been suggested, plus ear plugs and oodles of moisturizer and lip chap - I don't know how they do it, but the air in these places gets really dry. And make sure you've got people bringing you food.

Good luck!

[mamadaisy]

bring PJ's, bathrobe, slippers, your own special snuggly pillow with a non-white pillow case that readily identifies it as yours, plus dvd's if they have a player, and a laptop if they don't.

mostly the sedation button, yay. and hydrocortisone for the stitches. they will truly piss you off.

good luck and speedy healing!

[robiewankenobie]

i've done the hospital thing a few times now, and my best advice? make sure the doc leaves a prescription for sleeping pills. 'cause it can be panic inducing at night, and sometimes a little sumpin' sumpin' will get you through...esp. because nurses are loathe to call the docs at home for something they deem insignificant.

[Velma]

My two must haves from the last baby - my own pillow, and earplugs. Hospitals are noisy, yo.

[GetSheila]

Your hospital survival kit:

1. A PJ gown: as in no pants to have to try to maneuver your legs into after hip surgery yet long enough to cover your ass.

2. Robe (optional) - you may never need it. If you bring one, no need to get a new one. I am betting you will not care what you look like after surgery.

3. Your own pillow, if you are attached to a specific type.

4. Earplugs (Sooooo wish I had thought to bring these when I had surgery. Apparently, life goes on all day and night right outside your door. Phones ring, people talk, babies cry. It's chaos.)

5. MP3 player, stuffed with music and audio books.

6. Perhaps crossword puzzles, books, and reading glasses, but you may not feel that energetic.

7. Toiletries: toothpaste, toothbrush, face cleanser & moisturizer, hair brush, shampoo & conditioner, chapstick. (You may not ever need these things, depending on how long you stay, but it is handy to have them just in case. Except chapstick: MUST HAVE CHAPSTICK.)

8. Cell phone: talk, read your feeds, surf the Internet, play games (if you have the kind of phone that does all those things.) Boo on the hospital if they do not let you use your cell phone.

STRATEGY: Have your Hospital Elfling bring your essentials from home (or the car) after surgery so you do not have a lot of crap for the nurses to cram into a tiny plastic bag while you are having surgery, which they store under your rolling hospital bed and - more often than you might expect - lose somewhere between pre-op and recovery.

AUTOMATED DRUGS: The push button drug thingy is not as exciting as it sounds. It only allows you so many hits per time period so you do not off yourself. You can keep pushing the button but will not get any more pain killer until the next scheduled dosage period. Bummer.

ITCHY/SCRATCHY: I had liquid stitches after my hysterectomy and my scar did not itch. Perhaps the embroidery kind tickle and itch.

BRIBERY: People say bribery is a bad thing. I like to think of it as early Christmas.

Good luck with your surgery, Grace!

[Shannon from Michigan]

bring your own pillow! ;) as far as pj's, remember they will be looking at the incision area often so pants may not be the best option. perhaps a homemade flannel wrap around skirt in hospital blue/green? and a serious suggestion would be to consider purchasing IONIC FIZZ. it is a magnesium/calcium supplement that you mix with water, will help all your bones. hate to hear you are suffering, but awful glad there is a way to fix it. heal well and enjoy the narcotics while you can....

[Liora]

I haven't been through surgery where I've had to stay overnight, so I don't know about that, Grace. I'd say take it all--the iPod, a book, and the chocolates. And ask for the anti-nausea patch behind your ear to help prevent nausea from the anesthesia. That worked like a charm for me. Take care...

[badgerbag]

Yes - music, good headphones, earplugs, chapstick, lotion, nail clippers, hair thingies to keep the hair off your face, some kind of face wipe or hand wipe things that don't smell like a baby's ass. Warm fuzzy knee socks.

Tape is good to bring. For a lovely hippie like yourself I would recommend a drawing pad and some crayons. When you're on the good drugs you can draw yourself a pretty picture. Then tape it to the wall with your tape.

I highly recommend you bring the entire Internet.

[TheHans]

I cannot believe I am de-lurking for this. HA!
My father, who is in his 50s, had both hips replaced (one at a time over a period of 9 months) and was up and walking the afternoon of the surgery. He went home the next day. I have no idea if this will be the case for you, but it's a good reminder that you may want to focus on equipping the house more than the hospital survival bag.
Couple of tips for you, based on my observations of Dad, post-op:
Get a grabber thing to get things from high shelves in your house. He was able to do stairs, but it took a very long time for him to go up and down the stairs, so he tried to limit his trips. The other thing he did was upgrade the toilets to ADA-compliant height - otherwise, they may give you toilet extenders. He hated the extenders. They won't let you bend at a 90 degree angle for the first month (?) or so, so driving is out if you have a low-slung vehicle.
He spent a great deal of time before his surgery in PT to build up the muscles in his hips and legs to make recovery easier. (Don't blow off PT, before or after.)
His surgery was right before Christmas, so my husband and I went up early to help with the Great Feast. I'd try to make sure you've got your lovely daughter or that hubs of yours (who definitely rocks the clip-on sunglasses!) to help you with things around the house.
I will be sending you as many good vibes as I can muster from the middle of MO...and GO OBAMA!

[FlippyO]

Do not have surgery on a Friday, as hospitals aren't flooded with staff on weekends. Staph, maybe, but you don't want that.

I'll have to mostly agree with everything GetSheila said, since she covered just about everything. But, I'm wordy, so I naturally want to add more stuff.

If the hospital has wi-fi, then get an iPod Touch (get the 32GB, you only have hip surgery once, splurge), and it can do most of the stuff your laptop can do, so you don't have to lug your laptop around. You can trust me, I'm a Mac/Apple loather and didn't even own an MP3 player, until I won my iTouch at last year's BlogWorld convention. I LOVE it! It only has one terrible flaw, it doesn't work with Rhapsody-to-Go, so I bought a cheap Sansa Clip for that. Since the iPhone software update was made available for the iTouch, it's been extra great, allowing all kinds of extras that weren't available before.

I get wireless internet access at my doctor's office (they have free wi-fi, yay!), but mostly, I use it in bed. I watch YouTube videos, read blogs (comment occasionally, but I'm not the best touch screen typist), listen to books from Audible.com (I highly recommend David Sedaris, as he reads his own stuff) play games, look at pictures of my pets, read HuffPo...you get the point. You can also IM and get/write email, so you can update us as soon as you feel okay. Buy it tomorrow, so you can get used to it, and fill it up with stuff.

Big baggy long t-shirt (and a zip-up sweatshirt, hospitals are cold) is what I'd choose - they're going to need to be checking your hips, so pj pants will get in the way. Maybe just a pair of baggy shorts for under your t-shirt, if you're walking around and want to be "dressed".

I didn't stay overnight when I had my back surgery, but from Leigh-Ann's experience at staying overnight after her hysterectomy, I'd definitely agree with the ear plugs suggestion. She had a roommate who blasted the tv and rambled loudly in her doped-up sleep.

My stitches never itched; however, the pain meds will probably make you itch. Benadryl helps for that. Pain meds often make people feel nauseous, make sure they give you something for that before you get sick. There are good anti-nausea drugs, but Ativan works really well for it, too. Plus, it keeps you calm, helps you sleep, relaxes your muscles, and is just a nice general all-purpose drug. Like the baking soda of drugs.

Also, if you're a caffeine addict (even one cup of coffee a day will do it), make sure you get your usual amount. There's no need to suffer through caffeine withdrawal because they make you fast before surgery, and you might not think about it for a while afterwards. Let your anesthesiologist know, and they can give you some while you're under. It would be a drag to have a withdrawal headache because the anesthesiologist wasn't prepared.

Another important thing to make your life easier after surgery - Colace. (I also like to snack on Fiber One Honey Clusters cereal - 13 grams of fiber per cup) The pain meds will cause constipation. You don't want to be constipated after you've had hip surgery. There's also a drug now that can be injected sub-cutaneously if you have a problem, and you'll go within 20 minutes, guaranteed. It also, uh, softens what's already in there. (we were in the clinical trial because of our long-term opioid use - and it paid well, too) Its brand name is Relistor. They make pills, but it's just as easy to take Colace. Relistor is good for immediacy. Okay, enough about that - sad that my expertise involves such things, but someone's gotta be the guinea pig.

[zoe / puku]

just adding to the suggestions of others, to emphasise the Very Important Things you will want in hospital (I had 2 x week long stays this time last year including knee reconstruction ouchie!)

- chapstick, organic lip balm, pawpaw ointment whatever you like to moisturise your lips with. you'll probably be dehydrated, especially if like me, morphine (sweet sweet morphine) makes you vomit for days.

- earplugs or at least ipod. I had a nutty screamer down the hall in stay 1. ipod saved my sanity, although tales of his lengthy 3am claims to be the prime minister did make for interesting stories to tell visitors.

- t-shirts, undies and a flannel/washcloth (I don't know the US word for this: I am talking about the very small square towel you use to wash yourself). I really like to be clean, but nurses are busy and the shower process is hard and painful, and it was awesome being able to dampen a flannel with water and at least wash my face and body a bit and change my t-shirt and knickers (ok, solo-knicker changing was difficult too, ginourmous pj pants were easier).

- don't forget a tube of basic moisturiser! I 'washed' my face with sorbolene and aforementioned damp flannel, and had the boy carefully rub sorbolene into my feet. bliss on dehydrated, sore, crabby legs.

these all sound a bit petty, but the stitches, pain, anxiety and annoyance are all ameliorated a bit if you're clean(ish) and moisturised! good luck Grace! and Go Obama!

[FlippyO]

Oh yeah, the last comment reminds me - when I was in recovery and they were preparing me to go home, the nurse came into the bathroom with me, took the support hose off my legs (to prevent blood clots, and to raise money for the hospital - I was charged several hundred dollars...they cost $13)and then put my underwear on me. I'm pretty shy and the thought of that happening mortifies me; however, and this is very important, I was so doped up that I didn't even care. I'm sure it doesn't happen for every surgery, but I imagine hip surgery & back surgery are similar. Then again, I'm sure you'll want to buy ginormous granny panties, so you don't end up with elastic on any sore parts. Leigh-Ann looked so cute in hers when she was walking around the house, with the butt of her granny panties sagging so much.