It's been a long time since I've posted on the blog, that's clear. It's not that I have nothing to say; those of us who are trapped in a writers' ego always have something to say. Rather, I've been self-conscious about blogging and that goes against the whole purpose of this genre, particularly for folks like me - bloggers who write from a deeply personal perspective. In order to pull that off, you have to be brave and not care what others think or say. Unfortunately, these days I've been scared of what people think or say and that has silenced me. (Ironic, this state of affairs, as it's "my talking year" and all.)
Why so scared?
It's not just one thing, it is, as always, a bunch of things. Primary of those things is getting backfire for publishing posts about surviving child abuse. When someone in my extended family does discover these posts, how they will respond to this knowledge? I have some experience with that - when a family member divorced two years ago, they asked if could I refrain from discussing the history of abuse on my blog, lest my disclosures provide the ex with ammunition in their divorce war. I have another family member who is dating someone new - what if that new beau finds out about this blog? Will that family member believe that new beau will end the relationship? (If so, then just as well for my family member.)
And, then there are nieces and nephews - kids who have come of age and have, much to my delight, friended me on Facebook. If they stumble upon the truth about their grandfather, will the fact that he was my abuser devastate them? And, will they hate me for telling the Internet my story?
I thought I had this all figured out and concluded that I was fine with everyone and anyone knowing about my life. What did I have to hide? I did nothing wrong. In writing about abuse, I help others, right? In writing about my life, I honor my struggle, yes?
Or, is all of this self-disclosure a big ego trip at the expense of other people?
I don't know. I don't know what to do.
What I did do is follow an instinct and deleted a selection of posts. I may regret this act, but so be it.
What I have to do next is figure out how to go forward on this blog.
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